Monday, May 20, 2013

One of those days

Today was one of those days when just getting out of bed was a victory. Yet alone getting dressed, eating and going out. I just miss her so badly. I miss her smell, her perfect little fingers and her sweet little nose. I wish I could say "I miss her smile" but I don't know what her smile looked like. I bet it was cute, and probably a little bit cheeky (if she was anything like her daddy or me). 

After I eventually got up and dressed, and had some Nutella toast (perfect to give me at least a little smile), I decided to drop into the cemetery on my way to church. Only to drive up and see them digging a new grave in Ariella's section. It's awful. My heart just breaks whenever I see a new hole. There's been too many recently. After finishing at church, I decided to go back to the cemetery, as I knew they'd be finished and I'd be able to actually get out of the car and sit with Ariella. I arrived, only to discover that they'd actually dug two holes this morning. TWO. And they are separate holes, so it must be two families who have recently suffered loss. It's just...heartbreaking. 

Not long after Ariella's death, I found a song called Even If by Kutless. I was immediately struck by the lyrics and found it comforting to have a song that expressed my feelings so perfectly. Today was one of those days when I needed to listen to it again. 

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That can never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God
You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come

Lord, we know Your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even thought you reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

You're still the great and mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing Your praise

You are God and we will bless You
As the good and faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come

Ariella's healing didn't come. 
Life fell apart. 
Dreams are undone. 
Even so,
He is God.
He is good.
He is forever faithful.


Sarah said...

That's one of my special songs too.
I'm so sorry for your hurts. I wish your little girl was here too. One day, sweet friend ... <3

Larissa said...

And I wish your Evie was here too. Can't wait for that day...

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