Pregnancy After Loss: Dreams for a Rainbow Baby

When a couple decides to have a baby, hope begins to form in their hearts. It's not just the hope of a child that develops, but hope for a future with that child. Dreams of what that child will look like, act like, behave like. An expectant parent dreams of the first smile, the teetering first steps and whether the first word will be mama or dada.

When parents are expecting a rainbow baby, those dreams still exist. But they aren't the dreams I think of first. Let me share with you what dreams are foremost in my mind:

I dream of a child who cries.
I long for a baby that keeps me up at night.
I hope for a child who opens their eyes.

I dream of a baby who will throw tantrums.
I long for a child who can hold my finger, not just my heart.
I hope for a child who breathes.

I dream of a child who giggles.
I long for a baby who laughs.
I hope for a child who smiles.

But most of all,

I dream of a baby who curls up. It's that simple.

I dream of a child who curls up on our chests when being held.
I long for a baby who is difficult to change because their legs are tangled up with their arms.
I hope for a child who makes us laugh with their flexibility.

Because it means they are alive.

To read all the posts in this series, click here.

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If you are a baby loss parent, what are your dreams for a rainbow baby?

Pregnancy After Loss: Overcoming Hesitation

Today I am honoured to share my friend Brittany's story with you. Her son Samuel was stillborn just eight days before Ariella died. While I wish that both of us still had our babies in our arms, I have been so grateful to have Brittany to journey with this year. This is her story of the obstacles she has overcome when thinking about a rainbow baby.

For me walking the path of grief has led to many different feelings regarding another baby and pregnancy. At first, after my son was stillborn at 33 weeks, I was so overwhelmed by losing him the thought of another baby felt light-years away. I would think about having another baby as if it was a dream, or something for way in the future. I was very content with my three children and not sure that I even ever wanted another baby (although I figured that would change as time went on).

As time went on I became more and more adamant in my own mind that I did not want to get pregnant. I was scared by the idea that perhaps another baby would take Samuel's place in my heart and I might "forget" him (I knew that was far from true, but I couldn't even handle the idea of it). The thought of giving birth and holding another baby right after terrified me. Unbeknownst to me this whole time (or most of it) that I was so sure I didn't want to be pregnant I actually was. The day before the 3 month anniversary of my son's birthday I took a pregnancy test and found I was expecting. I was consumed with fear, a tiny bit of excitement (that the fear promptly squashed), frustration and a lot of uncertainty. I knew from the moment I saw those two lines that something was not right and this baby wasn't going to make it either.

The next day, as I wrestled with what-ifs I started cramping and bleeding. As the day went on it intensified to sharp pains and I was barely able to walk or stand. We went into the emergency room (of the same hospital where my son had been born 3 months before, to the day) and the doctor told me I had suffered a miscarriage and that I needed to have surgery to remove a cyst on my ovary. Surgery was scheduled for 5 days later and when I woke up afterwards I was I informed that I had actually had an ectopic pregnancy that burst. Honestly, I was so relieved. So much so that I felt guilty for not mourning losing another baby. I knew I wasn't ready to handle the emotional roller coaster of a pregnancy after loss and losing "Baby #4" (we have not named him/her yet, though we plan to) was so unexpected.

A little over a month later I found out that I have an autoimmune blood clotting disorder called, 'Anti-Phospholipid Syndrome.' It is this disorder that caused the placental abruption I had with Samuel. This brought on so many, many new emotions I've struggled with and it caused me to feel even more adamantly that I did not want to have another baby anytime soon. I felt as if it was my fault that Samuel died, and finding out that if I went through another pregnancy it would mean daily shots, extensive monitoring after 32 weeks, and probably an induction overwhelmed me. I am the kind of person that likes to know all my options, research each one, and find the route I am most comfortable with. My first two children were born at home, the second was a waterbirth and I had loved the comfort and relaxation of having my babies at home and had hoped I could still do that in the future. Knowing now that I can't and there are so many decisions to make and things to research made me sure I didn't want another baby.

I struggled with these feelings for a few months until God (and Larissa! :)) helped me to realize that my obsessing over when to get pregnant and wanting to have every little detail worked out was, in reality, not letting Him have control. As time has gone on I have become more excited at the thought of another pregnancy. We have not been blessed with a rainbow baby yet, but I know that regardless of the future God will bring me through it, just as He has with Samuel and Baby #4.

To read all the posts in this series, click here.

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Thank you Brittany for being willing to share your story with us. Has any one else faced medical issues that impact on your feelings regarding a rainbow pregnancy?

Pregnancy After Loss: Needing to Try

I've asked my friend Annika to share her journey towards a pregnancy after loss. The feelings of her and her husband are in contrast to those shared yesterday by Sarah. Neither are wrong or right, and their stories highlight the vast range of emotions that can be felt.

After we lost our first baby at six weeks we were desperate to start trying to conceive again and desperate to be pregnant again. Before we got pregnant the first time I think I was definitely the one who wanted things to happen quickly while my husband more relaxed and willing to wait until things happened for us. After we lost our baby he wanted to be pregnant again just as much as me. We would talk about it every day and it was on our minds all the time. We wanted our child here with us as soon as possible.

The devastation of losing our very loved little baby took a long time to overcome. It was a confusing time for us, missing our baby and what should have been while also looking forward to conceiving our rainbow and feeling conflicted about how we would feel when this happened.

We did some research and decided to wait a month after the miscarriage to let my body get back into it’s routine. Unfortunately ever since our loss each month has been unpredictable and confusing which has made trying for our second child a lot harder.

It has been nine months since we lost our little sweet pea and we have not yet conceived our rainbow. We have had two other very early losses since that time and while the desperation has gone we are just so ready to meet our children. It is hard waiting for them to come along but we know they will be here one day. We already love them so very much and have names waiting for them; Henry James and Stella Marie.

Some days it is hard to see the positives. Knowing that we have conceived four times, carried one to 6 weeks and the three other little sparks of life not quite strong enough to stay aflame. We love all of our children, and we will never forget each one, no matter how short their stay with us was. My husband is my rock who reminds us that through them we will feel no greater love and know no greater miracle when it is time for our Henry or Stella to be here.

To read all the posts in this series, click here.

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Thank you Annika for sharing your story. Fellow baby loss mums, have you felt similar?

Pregnancy After Loss: Waiting for My Heart to be Ready

Today, my dear friend Sarah is sharing about her journey towards a rainbow pregnancy. Sarah's daughter, Evie Caris, was born just over a year ago and went to Heaven a few hours later. You can read more of Evie's story on Sarah's blog, Life and Grace.

One night shortly after my daughter died, I was rocking my toddler son to sleep. Tears streamed down my face as I mourned the fact that I would never get to rock my sweet girl in this special chair as I had her brother a couple of years before. I was just heartbroken and remember thinking, “I just want a baby!” But almost immediately after those words came together in my head, this thought followed, “I don’t just want a baby ... I want my baby. My Evie. The one that was just taken from me.” And I felt that way for a couple of months. I needed Evie to be my baby. I needed to remember her sweetness and daydream about what could have been and allow the sadness of missing her to rob me of sleep. I needed her to be the only baby on my mind for a while and not allow another pregnancy to prevent me from grieving her and remembering her as I needed to.

As the new year rolled around about two months after Evie died, my husband and I started talking about adding to our family. He would be graduating from his master’s degree program at the end of that year and wasn’t too keen on the idea of having a newborn as he was trying to study for and pass finals. And I had planned, as my new year’s resolution, to train for and run a half marathon in Evie’s honor that spring. I thought that being in the early stages of pregnancy and trying to train for a half marathon didn’t work together so well. So with those two things in mind, we decided to start trying for another baby after I ran the half marathon, which meant the baby would potentially be born just after Josh passed all of his final tests. We were both very happy with the plan.

I don’t regret waiting to try for a rainbow baby – not at all. I feel like my heart needed it. And once the time came to start trying for another baby, it was springtime – the flowers were blossoming and the trees were turning green again. The rebirth of beauty in nature felt reflective of my mama heart – after the harshest of winters, I was ready once again to bloom.

To read all the posts in this series, click here.

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Thank you Sarah for sharing your story. Has anyone else felt similarly - that your ehart wasn't ready and some time was needed before it would?

Pregnancy After Loss: The Paradox

Pregnancy after loss. It's the one thing you truly want but are truly terrified of getting. Before it happens, you lie awake at night hoping, praying, wondering when your little miracle will begin. When it happens, you lie awake at night hoping and praying that it won't end in another loss and wondering how you will possibly cope if it does.

The two lines on the home pregnancy test are only small, but they are enough to induce the strangest fixture of fear and excitement you have ever experienced. Will this be the baby you get to bring home? Please God, let this be the one you can bring home.

You feel like going out in public is going out in a minefield. Will you see someone who doesn't know this is a subsequent pregnancy? Someone who tells you "not to worry, it won't happen again"? Or maybe, just maybe, you'll bump into someone who gives you a hug and acknowledges it's both a wonderful and scary time. You don't know what to expect, and the unknown is hard.

You get excited about wearing maternity clothes again. But when the time comes, you can't bring yourself to wear the same ones as last time; the memories are too strong. It feels ridiculous to go buy new ones, after all, the old ones were only worn for a few months. But the need to have different ones cannot be ignored. It doesn't make sense, but then again, nothing on this journey does.

Ultrasounds are nerve-wracking. It's not enough to feel the baby kick during the scan, you need to see the heartbeat before your own pounding heartbeat will settle down. Instead of simply enjoying seeing your little baby on the screen, you spend most of the time hoping and praying that each measurement is what it should be and that every aspect of your little miracle is what it should be.

Seeing another pregnant woman is also on the list of things that are hard. They all look so carefree. Do they know how lucky they are? What a truly amazing thing it is to have a living baby, whether born or unborn? You feel jealous of their joyful naivety, but at the same time cannot help but wonder if they too are the 1 in 4 whose innocence about pregnancy has been harshly ripped away.

Feeling your baby kick and move around brings a sense of peace. But some days they move so much that it's slightly annoying, painful even. But you dare not admit that to anyone, because you know how blessed you are to even be feeling those movements in the first place. The same is true for general pregnancy aches and pains. The pain that you feel as your muscles and ligaments stretch is legitimate and yet, you know you should be grateful for that pain. It means you have gotten further in your pregnancy than many women ever do. The bigger the baby, the more chance they have of surviving...right?

The knowledge that this pregnancy is a gift, a wonderful miracle, is always with you. But at the same time, you're tired of being pregnant. It takes most people nine months of pregnancy to bring home a baby. You'll be doing eighteen months, if indeed you get to bring this baby home. Pregnancy isn't a walk in the park, it's tough on your body and you don't have the baby to show for last time's effort and strain. Your body is weary, but the simple act of acknowledging that brings waves of guilt. Don't you know how lucky you are? How many women would give anything to be in the position you're in?

You don't quite know what to do with the whole "nesting" instinct. After all, the baby clothes are still freshly washed from last time, the cot is still set up, the nursery is already ready. It feels silly to buy new things, it's not like the items you have now got any use. How do you balance wise spending with the need to have things different from last time? It's just one more question on the list of unanswerable questions.

Speaking of unanswerable questions:
How can you tell me everything will be alright? You don't know that.
Why did this happen to me? Why am I the one facing this paradox?
Will I ever be comfortable again - comfortable meeting new people, comfortable around little Ariella-aged girls, comfortable during a subsequent pregnancy?
Why do people expect this pregnancy and this baby to fix me? Don't they realise I don't need to be fixed, I need to be allowed to grieve?

And finally, why is it so hard to admit all of this? Why does it feel like admitting all of this somehow means I am not trusting God? That I'm not grateful for this little baby? Because I do trust Him. I am grateful for this little baby. But pregnancy after loss is one of the greatest paradoxes in life.

To read all the posts in this series, click here.

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If you have been pregnant after a loss, did you find it to be a great paradox? If you are yet to conceive your rainbow, do you already feel this way?

Pregnancy after loss

If there has been too things that have dominated my year, it is the loss of Ariella and my second pregnancy. Pregnancy is, I think, an interesting time no matter what your past experiences are. After all, there's an entire new person growing inside of you! But just as the loss of Ariella has impacted on all other aspects on my life, it has also impacted on this pregnancy.

A pregnancy after a loss is often called a rainbow pregnancy. The best definition I've ever heard is this: It is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of a storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of darkness and clouds. storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of colour, energy and hope.

Over the next few weeks, I'm going to share with you a few aspects of what it is like to be pregnant after a loss. For those who haven't experienced a loss, my hope is that this mini-series will allow you an insight into this world of pregnancy after loss. If you are currently longing for or considering a rainbow baby, I pray that this series might offer you some guidance and comfort as you deal with the overwhelming range of emotions. And if you have been blessed with a rainbow already, I hope this series can reflect and validate your journey. I also hope that you can contribute through the comments section, as those of us without our rainbow in our arms shall surely benefit from your experiences.

Here are some of the topics I will cover, but more may be added!
Dreams for a rainbow baby
The paradox of pregnancy after loss
Things to consider when planning for a rainbow baby
Conflicting emotions of pregnancy after loss

If there is a specific, related topic you would like to read about, please do just let me know. I'm sure something could be arranged!

Capture Your Grief: Days 1-5

DAY ONE: SUNRISE

I took this photo at 6:50am, so I did miss the actual sunrise. However, I love that I missed it, as I had actually slept well that night and didn't wake up in time! Given that I haven't been sleeping well lately, I was more than happy to sacrifice a sunrise photo for a good sleep.

DAY TWO: IDENTITY

Ariella: lioness of God.
Jade: precious gem; my own middle name.
Born: Wednesday, January 30, 2013, at 9am after around 20 hours of labour.
Weight: 3125g (6lb 14oz)
Length: 54cm (21.25in)
Features: deep blue eyes; brown wavy hair; long fingers and toes.
Our much loved daughter.

DAY THREE: MYTH

While I have never heard the exact statement in the photo, I have heard similar sentiments. They hurt to hear and they aren't true. A subsequent pregnancy does not take away the sadness of our daughter's death. We rejoice over this baby while still grieving the death of our first. This baby will never replace Ariella. If your spouse died, I doubt you would like people telling you "you can always remarry, and then you'll be happy." The same goes for a subsequent pregnancy. I wrote a poem based on this photo, which can be found here.

DAY FOUR: LEGACY

I wasn't sure what photo to take for this day.What is my daughter's legacy? Does she have one? I thought about the friendships that have developed since Ariella's death, but I didn't have any photos with those lovely ladies. And then I thought about this blog. I write to honour her memory. In particular, I thought of my A-Z guide on helping bereaved parents. This is her legacy. It's by far my most read, shared and pinned post and I am grateful. I feel very passionate about teaching people know how best to help grieving parents, because it's such an important topic.

DAY FIVE: MEMORY 

I have so many memories from pregnancy and the days we spent with Ariella. One of my favourites happened frequently. Ariella would make my bump move all directions at once. Even though I knew how she was positioned, sometime I couldn't figure out how she was managing to move opposite parts of the bump. I used to say that we were clearly going to have a starfish for a child, as no ordinary baby could reach all the spots she could. When she was born, she seemed long. Once measured, we discovered she was 54cm long (about 4cm longer than average). Suddenly her movements made sense. Ariella will always be my starfish baby.

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It'll be a bit quiet on this blog as of tomorrow, because I will be away for a week long holiday! Ahh, I feel relaxed just thinking about it. A week away with my hubby, visiting a dear friend and catching up with some family. Life will get a whole lot busier on our return, thanks to a change in hubby's job, so this holiday has perfect timing. I'll be posting my daily photos on my Facebook page if you want to keep up to date with them. Otherwise, I'll blog about them on my return.

Bon voyage!

Please remember

Please remember,
I love my daughter,
I'll always miss her.

Please remember,
The "old me" is not going to come back,
My daughter's life and death have changed me.

Please remember,
You don't have to fix me,
I am at peace with missing my daughter.

Please remember,
Mentioning Ariella's name is not going to upset me,
It's going to make me smile that you acknowledge her.

Please remember,
How much you take pride in your children,
I am no different to you.

Please remember,
A subsequent pregnancy does not take away the sadness of our daughter's death,
We rejoice over this baby while still grieving the death of our first.

Please remember,
This baby is not going to "fix" us,
We will always be aware of what we missed with our first baby.

Please remember,
I am not going to get over our daughter's death,
I will get through it, but I'll always miss her because I will always love her.

Please. Remember.

Day 3 of Capture Your Grief: Myths

Rainbow Baby: Update

About eight weeks ago, I shared the news that our second baby is on the way. Understandably, I've had a lot of questions from a lot of people...mostly the same questions! So I thought I'd update you all on how things are going, and hopefully answer those commonly asked questions!

Q: How are you going?
A: I am doing pretty well. The morning sickness eased quite a few weeks ago and only occasionally rears its head now. An easier pregnancy sickness-wise was one of our main prayers, and we're very grateful that God has answered that prayer.

Q: How far along are you?
A: I am halfway through this pregnancy now! And yes, it is going quickly.

Q: Is everything going alright with the baby? Can you feel kicks yet?
A: Yes. Things are going pretty much perfectly! I've felt kicks for weeks now and it's such a nice feeling. The scans we've had show a perfectly formed little person - ten fingers, ten toes, and a beating heart. 

Q: Is it a boy or a girl and do you have names picked?
A: We have some names picked, but won't be telling anyone what they are until this baby is born. In terms of this baby's gender, we aren't finding out. But it seems the general consensus is that it is a boy - I think my 2 year old niece is the only one to have guessed girl so far!

Q: Do you have extra medical care this time?
A: I am seeing the same midwife I saw throughout Ariella's pregnancy. She was absolutely lovely, and this pregnancy is low-risk, so I am able to have midwife care instead of seeing a doctor the whole way. I'm so grateful for this! It's nice not to have to be at the hospital for frequent appointments (or any appointments really, since my midwife comes to our home for appointments). It's also nice to know that every appointment will be with someone who knows about Ariella and was with us throughout her pregnancy, birth and the weeks afterward.

I've saved the most common question for last.

Q: Are you nervous or anxious?
A: I have to admit this is a fair question, but the answer may surprise you: no, I am no more nervous or anxious than I was at this stage with Ariella's pregnancy. That might seem crazy to you - after all, my first pregnancy ended with an unexplained, full term stillbirth. Surely I must be worried it will happen again! And initially, I was. After all, my one and only experience with being pregnant ended in stillbirth; it was all I knew. I mentioned earlier that one of our main prayers had been that I would not be as sick this pregnancy as last time. The other major prayer was that we would be calm, not anxious, and able to enjoy this pregnancy. God has well and truly answered those prayers. I am not nervous that this baby will die; in fact, I fully anticipate bringing home a living baby in January. 

One of my favourite Bible verses is this:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

This pregnancy is teaching me the truth of those words. For month now, we have been presenting our requests [for a healthy baby and non-anxious parents] to God, and He's been answering. I cannot explain the peace that I feel, it certainly does transcend all understanding. As I said earlier, I fully anticipate bringing home a living baby in January.

So there you have it - an update on this pregnancy and my emotional state. I hope I've answered all your questions, but if you have any others, please leave a comment here and I'll answer them in a future post.

If only life had a DRS...

Any cricket fans out there will probably know of the DRS - the Decision Review System that allows players to review umpiring decisions that they think were wrong. It's on my mind today given the result of the England v. Australia match that finished last night...with a win to England after they used the DRS to successfully challenge the umpire's decision.


Sometimes I wish life had a Decision Review System. When someone says something inappropriate, I could just ask for a review and they would be forced to take it back. Or when someone does something hurtful, I could refer that action to the DRS and they would be told by a higher power that their decision was wrong and that they need to take it back.

But then I think, it would have to work both ways. At one point or another, it would be my actions being referred. That time I was grumpy? Sorry, not the right attitude - take it back. Or when I lost my patience with someone? Not the right thing to do - go back and try again.

*sigh*

The more I think about it, the more I realise that as a Christian, I do have something along the lines of a DRS in my life. I believe that God the Holy Spirit lives in me, and He is the one giving the little nudges I feel when I get grumpy, lose my patience, or do something else wrong. Being a Christian doesn't make me perfect - far from it! But it does mean that I do have someone prompting me when my decisions and actions need reviewing. It's pretty humbling to have to apologise for something a few days later, after realising it was wrong. But I'd rather be humbled that way, then live knowing I was in the wrong and did nothing to clear it.

The part I find hardest is when I am on the receiving end of someone else's comment or action that was wrong or hurtful. Let's just say that people often "put their foot in it" when it comes to stillbirth and subsequent pregnancy. Sometimes I wonder if being open with somethings on my blog make people think that any aspect of my life and emotions is up for discussion. It's not. I'm actually a fairly private person, and unless you are one of my closer friends, it's unlikely that I want to go into detail about things with you...especially if I haven't written about it on my blog. So why is it so hard to tell someone "I don't actually want to discuss that with you" or "I was hurt by what you said"? It's times like that when I really wish I could just signal for a decision review and have someone else jump in to tell them they need to change what they said or did.

But I guess life's not cricket!

Rainbow Baby

The above definition is the best I've heard to describe the term "rainbow baby". When I first heard that term, months ago, I didn't like it. I don't really know why, but I didn't. But then I read the above definition and suddenly I liked the term. Built into the term rainbow baby is the idea that a pregnancy/baby after loss does not negate the loss; that idea is very important to me. And here's why:

I'm pregnant again.

My husband and I have known for weeks now, which means we have had weeks to decide how to tell people. Many pregnancies are filled with pure joy and a longing to tell everyone about it. But a rainbow pregnancy is different, because the innocence of pregnancy is lost. I didn't look at the positive test and think yes! In nine months I'll have a baby to bring home, it was more like wow, I really hope I get to bring this baby home! Of course, I know that it is highly unlikely for things to go wrong, but I also know just how wrong things can go. This pregnancy, which we are so excited about, will always have an element of concern. As happy as I am to be pregnant with this little bub, I'm not going to be 100% happy or excited until they are in our arms, breathing, moving and crying. Which means that it was hard to tell people, because their first reaction is pure excitement, which is obviously better than them being upset! But it was confronting, because it seemed at times that people were more excited than I was!

We ended up telling some people in person, but most found out via a simple post on Facebook today. If you were one of the people that we called or messaged with news of Ariella's pregnancy, but didn't get a call or message this time, please know it's not because you're less important to us this year. Not at all. We just weren't really up to the emotion of telling too many people individually. I hope you all understand :)

Like any pregnancy, people have had some questions. So to answer some of those common questions:

*I am due in mid-January (which puts me about 12 weeks along). So yes, this baby will be here before Ariella's first birthday.
*No, we will not be finding out the gender, and no, we don't have a preference.
*Yes, we have some names in mind, but no, we won't be telling anyone what they are.
*Yes, I have been sick, but not as bad as last time (I'm very thankful to be able to get more sleep this time).

For other loss mums who read this blog, I want you to know that I don't plan on changing this blog to be all about this pregnancy and baby. My posts will still be similar to what they have been, and so please don't feel like you have to stop reading if pregnancy is a hard thing for you to hear about. I don't plan on blogging about it very often at all.

So there you have it. I'm pregnant. We're excited. Not too anxious. But very much praising God for this second little blessing. God is good!