Thursday, November 7, 2013

Sometimes I'm scared

Sometimes I'm scared to say what I really think. Because if I say "I would give anything to be able to kiss her perfect little cheeks again", I just know someone will say "one day you will." But it's not about that; it's not about the future. It's about now. Right now. It's about the aching hole in my heart that I have to live with every. single. day.

Sometimes I'm scared to talk about how long it has been since our sweet girl was in our arms. Because no one else is as aware of each passing day as I am. Because people assume I'm talking about something else. And it says to me that they have moved on.

Sometimes I'm scared to say just how much I miss her. Because sometimes it feels like people don't want to hear about her anymore.

Sometimes I'm scared to meet new people. Actually, I'm always scared to meet new people. When they ask if I have kids or if this is my first pregnancy, how will they react when I tell them about Ariella? Will they be awkward? Will they literally back away? Or maybe, will they ask me about her? But sometimes I'm too scared to take that risk.

Sometimes I'm scared to be honest. Because if I'm honest, it often means I'm blunt at the same time. And I don't want to hurt others; I feel like I should be considerate of them. But honestly? I'm tired of making excuses for others. Of qualifying everything I say in order to lessen the chances of offending someone. I wish I could scream from the rooftops that this is my grief. Mine and my husband's. Stop comparing yours with ours. Stop trying to make it better. Stop trying to fix us. This cannot be fixed. Just be with us.

From A Bed For My Heart's facebook page

Sometimes I'm scared that people think the hope I have in Jesus is the answer to my pain now. It's not. A fellow Christian said the perfect thing to us the other week - "while you would be comforted in knowing she is with our Heavenly Father, you must miss her terribly here on earth." Yes. We do. And the comfort we have in Jesus does not mean we miss her any less.

Sometimes I'm scared to finish blog posts where I want to finish. I feel like I should end on a positive or at least on a hopeful note. But some days just aren't like that...


Julie said...

Am I allowed to swear...? I say fuck it... some days you gotta say what you gotta say.... And personally I want to keep hearing about her. One thing I wanted to know about was her name. I know Jade is your middle name but why Ariella. Had you picked it in advance or did you have a short list? Did you know she was a girl before she was born or on delivery? Does Ariella mean something special? And seriously.... how hard is it picking a secand girls name!!!

Larissa said...

You make me smile :) 'Ariella' means 'lioness of God' - it's a name I have love for years, since I first saw it. We had it picked from quite early on, we also had a boy's name picked. It wasn't until she was born that we knew which we would use!

Teresa said...

I remember when my father died how I was so surprised at the overwhelming pain of grief. It scared me so much, because I had always heard about the amazing grace others had while going through such trials. I wondered what I had done not to receive such grace. What was wrong with me? I am a pastor's wife. My whole life is ministry and serving the Lord. How come I didn't have this grace? I was so upset and confused by my drowning grief. What I finally understood is that God helps me through my sorrow, but He doesn't take it away the pain. I can imagine your pain and the loss of your baby makes you feel like you are drowning. I certainly have felt this way with the loss of my father and my granddaughter. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby, Ariella.

Ps. 66:12 "we went through the fire and through water, but thou brought us out into a wealthy place

I began to understand the word "through." I would still feel the pain, but in the process I would be forever changed by the loss of my dear father and my precious granddaughter Evie. I wasn't a terrible Christian for feeling so hurt, overwhelmed, and so very grieved. Even our Lord grieved unto drops of blood.

I am so afraid to say this, for fear that I am saying the wrong thing, and leave you offended. I am not a writer and my words come out wrong. But I only want to comfort others,who might be so taken back like I was, at how terrible and overwhelming it feels.

Larissa said...

I think what you said came out ok :) You are so right - God brings us through the pain, rather than take it away. Most days I can see that, just every now and then I have a day when I just need to be sad and feel the pain. It is such a comfort, even on those days, to know that our Lord grieved too.

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