Saturday, March 8, 2014

Always meant to be ours

When I got pregnant with Levi, I was excited, scared, thrilled and petrified. But above all the mixed emotions was one simple thought that I could not get out of my head for weeks: if Ariella had lived, this child would not have existed. You see, if our baby girl had lived, we would not have planned to get pregnant as soon as we did. I struggled with feeling guilty and wondered how I could love my second child whilst knowing that their existence was dependent on Ariella's death. It was really hard!

But then a dear friend suggested something to me. Maybe, just maybe, Levi was the child we were always going to have second; maybe all his sister's death did was bring his arrival forward in time. It was a comforting thought and one I tried to hold onto. A few months later, another friend said something very similar. After hearing it for a second time, I decided that I needed to believe it to be true. I assumed I would never really know for certain, but I liked the idea that Levi was always going to exist and that Ariella's death simply meant that he existed sooner.

By the end of my pregnancy, I had forgotten all about those thoughts. I had forgotten my initial worries and feelings completely and never thought about what Ariella's death meant in relation to my second child. After Levi was born, I had a lot of bad dreams about things happening to him. But I also had one dream that was oh so lovely while I was asleep but heartbreaking when I awoke. I dreamt that it was a lovely weekend morning, and Marcus and I were laying in bed with our two children - a curly haired, sweet faced two year old girl and a darling little baby boy. I woke up with tears streaming down my face because that dream would never be my reality. It made me miss by baby girl even more as it showed me what I would never have. For weeks I hated that dream.

And then I realised what it meant. It wasn't Ariella and some baby. It was Ariella and Levi. Ariella AND Levi both existing, just with a larger age gap between them. I don't believe that every dream is significant or has meaning (thankfully, as I can have some strange ones....drummer for Jimmy Barnes' band? I don't think so!) but I do believe that the dream I had of my two children was from God. It has put to rest any question as to whether Levi only exists because Ariella died. In the dream, both of my children were alive and the gap between their ages was closer to the gap I would have hoped for if Ariella had lived.

Levi William, always meant to be ours.


15 comments:

Dani Hall said...

Larissa, I struggled with exactly the same thing with Harrison. Thank you for voicing all of this. Beautiful :)

Stephanie said...

Reading this post was such a gift to me. I'm currently 18 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby after only carrying our baby Hope eight weeks in my womb. I've often wondered what she would look like and how life would be so different if she was still here...because if we hadn't lost her, we wouldn't be watching this littlest one grow in my womb. It's so strange and it brings me to tears sometimes, the wondering and the pain that is still so fresh. Thank you for this, and for being so raw and open about your own loss.

Larissa said...

Hugs <3

Larissa said...

I adore the name Hope - what a lovely name for your sweet baby. I'm sorry she wasn't with you longer.

Christy001 said...

I often wonder the same thing... My rainbow...now almost three is the most precious gift I could have ever received. I love my angel, Lucas...and miss him everyday... of friend of mine said maybe a part of Lucas lives on through the eyes of RJ.... that is why he is so full of love and laughter. Its a nice sediment... I love my boys. <3

April Clark said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
April Clark said...

I struggle with that because our plan was to stop at 3 and our 3rd baby was our loss so I wonder if my Rainbow (our 4th baby) would have come somehow anyway. It's hard.

Claire Hart said...

It is such a comfort knowing your not alone in your thoughts. My baby boy was taken from us 3 years ago and our rainbow baby is now 20 months old. When we found out we were expecting a baby boy it completed our family as we already have a daughter. I very often (almost every day) look at our little girl and think she is here because her brother died. She is the most amazing, beautiful little girl with a huge character and lots of family say my angel lives on in her. I still ache for my son but my rainbow brightens up each and everyday. X

lightkeepersdaughter said...

You words are so beautiful - and express exactly, the sentiments I felt - so many years ago! Almost 40 years, to be exact. Our first baby (a little boy) survived for only 3 hours, following a birth gone terribly wrong. Fifteen months later, our baby girl was born - healthy, happy, spunky, funny, smart, beautiful - so full of life - and we loved her with all our hearts! One day, somewhere around her 2nd birthday, I voiced my feelings to my husband - about how our beautiful little girl wouldn't be here, if our baby son had lived.........and all the mixed feelings that surrounded that. He smiled, and said to me - "Oh, I think this one was meant to come through - exactly when she did - and to us. We would have just had two children, much closer than we had ever planned!" I laughed - and felt instant relief..........He was so right! She was ours, she was meant to be - meant to be ours - and meant to arrive when she did. I still miss our son - and wish with all my heart, that he was here with us, healthy, happy, spunky, funny, smart and handsome - but, I also cannot imagine my life without the beautiful girl who Heaven sent us next...........who has been the light of our lives for 39 years now!

Blessings to you and your husband, and your gorgeous little Levi!

Rebecca Digrugilliers said...

This is exactly how I feel about this too. These kids, all of them, in this order, were meant for us from God. I struggled before though, wondering about being happy about our Selah Grace who was conceived just 3 months after losing our Caleb Aaron. "Would Selah have still been born at all if Caleb had been too??" I believe yes, just later on. God saw them all at Creation and the Cross, and numbered their days within my womb and without; all six of them. :) And if the Lord has a rainbow baby for us, another unique person to join our family after the loss of our daughter, Jane, this past February, we want him or her, whenever He has them for us. :)

Larissa said...

What a beautiful thought xx

Larissa said...

So hard, I'm sure.

Larissa said...

I'm glad you have your little girl - not that she would erase the pain, but I'm glad she can brighten your days.

Larissa said...

I'm glad you feel similarly! Your daughter sounds like such a blessing! Thank you for sharing your story with me :)

Larissa said...

Thank you for sharing xx It's so true what you said, God saw them all, each and every one.

Post a Comment

 
Blog Design by Franchesca Cox