Saturday, May 25, 2013

I am not okay

It's been almost four months since our precious Ariella died and was born. Four months. It's been both the slowest and fastest four months for my husband and I. On one hand, it feel like longer than four months since we held our sweet girl, saying hello and goodbye too close together. And yet we can't believe that we've managed four months without our girl...how could that much time have gone past already??

I cry less in public these days. I make it to more social events than I used to. I even manage to work two days a week. I volunteer in the Children's Church most Sundays. I sometimes bring baked goodies to events. 

I am, somehow, getting through this year. But I want you to know that I am not okay. 

Crying less in public doesn't mean I cry less. It just means that I'm tired of always being so vulnerable in public, and can better hold it in until I'm in the safety of my home.

Making it to more social events than I used to doesn't mean I make it to as many as I did before Ariella's death. It just means that I've learnt to put on a brave face and attend at least some things.

Working two days a week doesn't mean I've conquered the anxiety of going out. It just means that I've found something  not too confronting to do that makes me feel like I'm making a difference and that I'm useful.

Volunteering in the Children's Church in no way means I'm alright to be around children. It just means that I needed to get back to some sort of "normal", and since Children's Church was normal for me before Ariella's death, I can normally hold myself together for a few hours each Sunday. Just because I can be in the Children's Church does not mean I can be in the creche. I can't. 

Bringing baked goodies to events doesn't mean I can always cook. It just means that on that particular day, I was able to convince myself to go into the kitchen, as opposed to the days when the mere thought of cooking leaves me in tears, unable to physically make myself do it. 

Just because I'm still here, still standing four months after Ariella's death, does not mean I am okay. I'm not.

I am not okay. 

I get angry - when people do something insensitive, when they expect me to be "moving on" (whatever that means), when people forget that my husband lost his daughter too. I'm not the only one grieving, he is too. And I get angry and hurt when people don't ask how he is going. I am not okay with people focusing on me to the exclusion of my husband. 

I get sad - when people take it for granted that they will have kids, when people complain about the children they do have. I understand that sometimes children can be tiring and frustrating, I've looked after them enough to know this is true. Just don't complain in front of us. We would give ANYTHING to have Ariella alive, even if she was a screamer who never slept or let us leave the room without a tantrum. Please think about what you say about children in front of us, and please remember that if you have a living child, you are blessed. No matter how frustrated or tired they make you.

I get overwhelmed - at the thought of getting up, going out, cooking dinner. But I'm also blessed, by a friend who made us a meal "because we might want a break" and by a friend who willingly agreed to make us a meal when I asked.

I get tired - of crying, of being vulnerable in public, of feeling like I don't fit anywhere except bereaved parent support groups. 

We miss Ariella more than we ever thought it was possible to miss someone. It's been almost four months, but please don't expect us to be okay yet. We're not. 

9 comments:

Sarah said...

I'm so sorry ... I know how it feels. Around the four month mark I was so surprised at how sad I still was and how I felt a sort of unspoken sentiment that I should be "over it". This grief road is so hard ... I'm so sorry.

Lord, please grant Larissa and Marcus the patience and wisdom they need to navigate these murky waters. Surround them with kind, understanding people and protect them from insensitive and hurtful comments. And let them know it's ok to hurt, despite what others may communicate - four months is quite a short time when grieving the loss of a precious child. Let them feel Your loving arms around them today and in the coming months. In Your name, amen. <3

Kerlie McGerser said...

You're doing great, Larissa. Just knowing that we're not okay is healing, I think. We're never going to be okay with losing our babies, but we're learning to live with it. I think we'll be learning forever, and we can do it.
<3

Larissa said...

Thank yo so much Sarah, we appreciate your prayers more than we can say. I've heard a few people say that it got harder again around 4 months, which makes me feel a bit more "normal"

Larissa said...

Kerlie, thank you. I think of you and your precious Lucy often <3

Bake on Sunday said...

Thinking of you, I can relate to a lot of what you have just written. I have actually started blocking people on social media because Im sick of them complaining about their babies. xx

Larissa said...

It's so tricky, isn't it? :(

Presley Pierec said...

I am so glad you wrote this. February of this year I lost my four week old baby. I cried a little but moved on because everyone seemed to think I was over reacting. But just yesterday I lost my 10 week old baby. I have two beautiful and healthy daughters and I love them dearly. I had wanted to try for another baby, because honestly I love being a mom. I was so excited because this baby was to be due in May, the birth month of my grandmother who I lost a few weeks before her birthday. My due date was May 13th. It helped to read this and know that there are mothers out there that feel this way too. And that I am normal for crying and mourning the loss of my little angel.

Presley Pierec said...

I am so glad you wrote this. February of this year I lost my four week old baby. I cried a little but moved on because everyone seemed to think I was over reacting. But just yesterday I lost my 10 week old baby. I have two beautiful and healthy daughters and I love them dearly. I had wanted to try for another baby, because honestly I love being a mom. I was so excited because this baby was to be due in May, the birth month of my grandmother who I lost a few weeks before her birthday. My due date was May 13th. It helped to read this and know that there are mothers out there that feel this way too. And that I am normal for crying and mourning the loss of my little angel.

Kira Goodwin said...

I miscarried for the first and hopefully last Time around 7 weeks I didn't even know i was pregnant and reading this reading a post about a loss about a lil person who ment alot to only two people ( we had suspicions I was pregnant but hadnt tested yet) made me realize its ok to feel a lil empty now and again

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