Saturday, March 16, 2013

Dance among the ruins

Earlier this week I told my husband that I feel like my life is ruined. Not in the sense of "now there's no hope" or anything like that, but because I know that I will always have this sadness with me. I don't know how I'll ever be 100% happy again, because even happy events will be tainted by the knowledge that Ariella is not here with us.

Like college graduation this coming weekend, when I was expecting to introduce Ariella to some people for the first time. 

Or the friend's wedding reception that we organised to take Ariella to, and were going to be seated in such a way as to make having a baby with us easier.

Or the other friends' wedding and reception, when I was expecting to have to juggle the wedding and Ariella by myself, because Marcus is a groomsman. 

Or Mothers' Day.

Or Fathers' Day.

Or. Or. Or. 

So many events and "celebrations" that are, in some small way, ruined.

Steven Curtis Chapman is a Christian singer/songwriter who has also had a daughter die and the album he wrote after that tragedy, Beauty Will Rise, has been playing almost constantly in my car since I bought it about 4 weeks ago. Two days after telling Hubby that I felt my life has been ruined, I was struck by one of the lyrics in the song Beauty Will Rise:

Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see with our own eyes
Out of this darkness
New light will shine
And we'll know the joy that's coming in the morning

It's not that the ruins will disappear. They will still be there. But I can learn to dance and find joy among the ruins. 

Not despite the ruins. 

Not instead of the ruins. 

But among them.


Missing Mikayla said...

I found your blog through Still Standing today, and I wanted to thank you for sharing. I have been playing this song frequently since our daughter Mikayla was stillborn at 22 weeks. Tomorrow marks 2 months since we said good-bye. It is such an encouragement to read of others' journeys and the hope that we have in our savior for healing and joy even in our darkest moments.

Larissa said...

I'm sorry to hear of Mikayla's stillbirth. What a beautiful name you gave to your daughter xx

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