I wrote yesterday about how it is difficult to realise that time moves on. But I realised last night that one thing has gotten easier with time, and for that I am grateful. It's only a small thing, but nevertheless, it is one thing:
Given that Ariella was my first pregnancy, I didn't have stacks of pregnancy clothes. I had "enough" to get me through, but towards the end I was getting tired of the lack of variety. I adore wearing cute dresses and skirts, but do you know how expensive cute pregnancy clothes are?? I had a few items I loved, but I still missed my normal clothes. I was very much looking forward to having our baby, and eventually fitting back into my cute dresses and skirts.
After Ariella was born, I fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes straight away. There was one pair of jeans that didn't fit, but given that I don't wear jeans that much, that didn't matter. I know a lot of women struggle with pregnancy weight, and I am grateful that wasn't an issue for me. If Ariella had lived, I would have been so happy to wear my normal clothes again. But she didn't, and my clothes fit straight away.
I hated it.
I couldn't wear my maternity clothes because of the sadness associated with them, and I didn't want to wear my normal clothes because they reminded me that she wasn't there. In a way, I felt guilty. I would have chosen months of trying to lose weight and fit old clothes over fitting them straight away, if that meant our daughter would have lived. I know the guilt was unfounded, but it was there.
The week after she was born I had to choose what to wear to her funeral. How on earth do you do that? Do you buy a new dress, knowing that it will always remind you of that day? Or do you wear something you already had? I ended up choosing one of my favourite dresses, one that I had worn to my 21st party. I didn't want something that only had sad memories attached to it. And I'm glad I did...I've worn that dress multiple times since then, and often I don't even think about the fact I wore it to our daughter's funeral.
I'd say it was about 2 weeks before choosing clothes to wear each day was not an issue. I remember getting dressed one morning without even thinking about it, and then turning to my husband in shock. I was amazed to realise I had chosen clothes without any guilt or sadness. And that made me smile.