A friend said to me something along the lines of "you'll have an amazing, wise story to share with younger women when you're older." And I, like a sulking child, responded with "but I don't want this story." I'm very glad my friend said this, and I know it's true...but it's a story I don't want. She said she doesn't want it for me either. And yet...here I am.
I can't say to God "why me" - because I've told him numerous times throughout my life that I'd give my all for Him. And I've constantly told Him that I would trust Him, no matter what. Did I anticipate having to trust him after my child died? No. Not really. But just because I didn't anticipate it, I can't go back on my word. I said I would trust Him, so I will trust Him.
It's not easy. What good could possibly come from the death of our sweet baby girl? At first I wondered if any good could come from it. But 9 weeks later, there is already some good that I can see:
*My husband and I have gotten even closer together.
*We feel like we belong in our church more than ever before - we know we are loved.
*I am able to empathise more with my friends who have had a stillbirth and miscarriage.
*The two funeral directors were touched by Ariella's service (first time our pastor had seen a funeral director cry). Our prayer is that our daughter's service might be a help in pointing them to God.
Some days it doesn't feel real, like it couldn't have possibly happened to me. Other days it's all too real. On any day, it's the story I don't want.