27th - the last time I felt Ariella move and, I believe, the day she died
28th - the day our hearts shattered when we discovered our baby had died
29th - the day I was induced and labour started (although I didn't mind labour and this day normally hurts simply in anticipation of the 30th)
30th - the day we met our sweet Ariella
31st - the day we walked out of the hospital with empty arms
Every month, those dates hurt. But this month they hurt more than normal, because it's now been six months since our Ariella died and was born. SIX MONTHS. I struggle to think that we've made it through half a year without her with us. It seems crazy. I didn't think I could live without my baby girl and with such heartache. But it turns out you can.
I've had a tough few days in the lead up to today, and I did wonder if the anticipation of today would be worse than the actual day. I think it was. I didn't have to go to work today (for unrelated reasons), so I took some time for myself this morning, then grabbed some lunch to go eat with Ariella. They were mowing the lawn when I arrived, so I sat in the car for a while, observing all that was going on.
Two of Ariella's grandparents had visited earlier, and left some gorgeous gerberas. I added the white daises, and then headed home.
I may not have done a lot these past few days, but I'm pretty proud of the fact that I simply got out of bed. I even got a load of washing done today. I had heard that a lack of motivation is a normal part of grief, and I'm definitely feeling that lately. Sometimes I feel like I should be "doing better" by now, as it's been six months. But it's ONLY been six months. That's no time at all really. So on a hard day like today, when I get out of bed, get dressed and even get some jobs done, that's good enough for me.