Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Six months, baby girl

I'm not a fan of the end of each month. There are too many dates that hurt.

27th - the last time I felt Ariella move and, I believe, the day she died

28th - the day our hearts shattered when we discovered our baby had died

29th - the day I was induced and labour started (although I didn't mind labour and this day normally hurts simply in anticipation of the 30th)

30th - the day we met our sweet Ariella

31st - the day we walked out of the hospital with empty arms

Every month, those dates hurt. But this month they hurt more than normal, because it's now been six months since our Ariella died and was born. SIX MONTHS. I struggle to think that we've made it through half a year without her with us. It seems crazy. I didn't think I could live without my baby girl and with such heartache. But it turns out you can.

I've had a tough few days in the lead up to today, and I did wonder if the anticipation of today would be worse than the actual day. I think it was. I didn't have to go to work today (for unrelated reasons), so I took some time for myself this morning, then grabbed some lunch to go eat with Ariella. They were mowing the lawn when I arrived, so I sat in the car for a while, observing all that was going on. 

Two of Ariella's grandparents had visited earlier, and left some gorgeous gerberas. I added the white daises, and then headed home.

I may not have done a lot these past few days, but I'm pretty proud of the fact that I simply got out of bed. I even got a load of washing done today. I had heard that a lack of motivation is a normal part of grief, and I'm definitely feeling that lately. Sometimes I feel like I should be "doing better" by now, as it's been six months. But it's ONLY been six months. That's no time at all really. So on a hard day like today, when I get out of bed, get dressed and even get some jobs done, that's good enough for me.

Also, just wanted to say thank you to our wonderful friends and family who have messaged today and yesterday. We're so grateful to know that Ariella is loved and missed by others too, and that we aren't forgotten.


Aprille @ beautifulinhistime.com said...

I struggle to say this because I feel the words aren't quite appropriate, but she has a "beautiful" headstone and the photos with the flowers are very touching. (hugs)

Larissa said...

Thank you Aprille. I understand what you mean about the words maybe not being appropriate, as it feels strange to me to say "we are so happy with how the headstone turned out." But we are, and I think what you said was appropriate. How I wish there was no need for a headstone, but since there is, I am glad it is beautiful.

Sarah said...

Happy six months in Heaven, sweet Ariella. <3

Caleb & Rebekah said...

I ache for the loss that you have felt, Larissa. I don't know what to say...but I want you to know that I think of you and Marcus and pray for you. I know Ariella is dancing in heaven and so thankful that she got to have such a brave, wonderful mummy.

Larissa said...


Larissa said...

Thank you for your kind words Rebekah.

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