One of those days

Today was one of those days when just getting out of bed was a victory. Yet alone getting dressed, eating and going out. I just miss her so badly. I miss her smell, her perfect little fingers and her sweet little nose. I wish I could say "I miss her smile" but I don't know what her smile looked like. I bet it was cute, and probably a little bit cheeky (if she was anything like her daddy or me). 

After I eventually got up and dressed, and had some Nutella toast (perfect to give me at least a little smile), I decided to drop into the cemetery on my way to church. Only to drive up and see them digging a new grave in Ariella's section. It's awful. My heart just breaks whenever I see a new hole. There's been too many recently. After finishing at church, I decided to go back to the cemetery, as I knew they'd be finished and I'd be able to actually get out of the car and sit with Ariella. I arrived, only to discover that they'd actually dug two holes this morning. TWO. And they are separate holes, so it must be two families who have recently suffered loss. It's just...heartbreaking. 

Not long after Ariella's death, I found a song called Even If by Kutless. I was immediately struck by the lyrics and found it comforting to have a song that expressed my feelings so perfectly. Today was one of those days when I needed to listen to it again. 

Sometimes all we have to hold on to

Is what we know is true of who You are

So when the heartache hits like a hurricane

That can never change who You are

And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come

And life falls apart

And dreams are still undone

You are God

You are good

Forever faithful One

Even if the healing

Even if the healing doesn't come

Lord, we know Your ways are not our ways

So we set our faith in who You are

Even thought you reign high above us

You tenderly love us

We know Your heart

And we rest in who You are

You're still the great and mighty One

We trust You always

You're working all things for our good

We'll sing Your praise

You are God and we will bless You

As the good and faithful One

You are God and we will bless You

Even if the healing doesn't come

Even if the healing doesn't come

Ariella's healing didn't come. 
Life fell apart. 
Dreams are undone. 
Even so,
He is God.
He is good.
He is forever faithful.

Butterfly kisses, bad news and banana bread

There's a famous song called Butterfly Kisses. I used to like it, but now I don't. They lyrics say:

After all that I've done wrong

I must have done something right

To deserve a hug every morning

And butterfly kisses at night

I heard it played at a wedding on the weekend, and my heart just broke. It's hard enough going to weddings: seeing the dad walk his daughter down the aisle, hearing him give a speech about his girl, and maybe watching them dance. I see all of these happen, and know that's another thing we lost when our daughter died. It's all I can do not to run out to my car and sob. And then Butterfly Kisses is played. Sure it's a lovely song, but if the lyrics I underlined are true, does that mean my husband and I did too much wrong, because we won't get those things? Is a living daughter who gives hugs and kisses really a result of doing something right? No.  It's not dependent on how good we are, or even how bad we are. Life happens. Death happens. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. God is still sovereign. 

I hate giving people bad news. Telling family and friends that Ariella had died was one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever had to do. I'm thankful for things like Facebook, which enables us to spread the news and try to make sure everyone knows. But not everyone does know...yet they knew I was pregnant. On the weekend I bumped into someone who knew I was pregnant. The last time I'd seen them was three days before Ariella died. She looked at me and said "you had a baby, didn't you?" And I hated having to tell her that yes, I did, but she was stillborn. The look in her eyes was heartbreaking. She had asked an innocent question, one that I would have joyfully answered if Ariella was alive. Instead I had bad news to give her; it feels like I ruin people's day when I tell them what happened. I don't like making other people sad.

The other day I made banana bread. It may not seem like a big deal, but it was. Before I was pregnant, I loved baking and would bake at least once a week. Then I got morning sickness and couldn't even go into a kitchen without feeling sick, yet alone do any baking. Once the morning sickness left, I was often too tired to bake, and honestly forgot it was an option (as I hadn't done any baking for months). After Ariella was born, I hated the idea of baking. It was another reminder that Ariella wasn't with me - I didn't want to do something that I hadn't been able to do while she was alive. But last week I made banana bread. And I made some muffins too. To me, that's a big deal. Celebrating the small stuff.

Excitement and tears

On Thursday night, my husband and I went to a Josh Groban concert. He's my favourite singer, and I was so excited that it was almost ridiculous! It felt like finally there was something good to look forward to this year. And the concert did not disappoint...it was phenomenal. We had awesome seats, and there was no support act to have to sit through impatiently! :P 

I only had one concern: that I would be a blubbering mess when he sung Brave, because of the role that song played in my life the week of Ariella's birth (read my explanation here). Thankfully, he opened the show with that song, so I was too excited to be blubbering. But I'll admit that there were some tears. That's what I expected. 

What I didn't expect was that FOUR other songs would make me cry too.

Don't Give Up (You Are Loved)
Don't give up, it's just the weight of the world
...
Don't give up, it's just the hurt that you hide
...
You are loved, don't give up

To Where You Are
Deep in the stillness I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration,
Can it be that you are mine, forever love
And you are watching over me from up above
...
As my hear holds you just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my forever love

Awake 
A beautiful and blinding morning
The world outside begins to breathe
See clouds arriving without warning
I need you hear to shelter me
...
And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other
...
So keep me awake to memorise you
Give me more time to feel this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today
...
If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same
...
And I will remember, oh I will remember
Remember all the love we shared today

You Raise Me Up
When I am down and oh my soul so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then I am still and wait here in the silence
Until you come and sit a while with me

Don't Give Up and You Raise Me Up made me teary because they remind me of just how wonderful my husband is, and how I couldn't get through any of this without him. I hadn't listened to To Where You Are for a long time, and I hadn't thought about it in relation to Ariella. But I certainly did during the concert!

But the one that really got me was Awake. I'll always be glad that Ariella was born at 9am, because it meant I got a whole day with her before needing to go to sleep. I didn't want to go to sleep at all...I knew my time with her was limited, and I just wanted to stay awake to memorise her, and to postpone having to say goodbye. I don't think I'd be exaggerating if I said that throughout the entire song, I was picturing my sweet Ariella...how I miss her!

But despite the tears, it was such a good night. Maybe even because of the tears, it was a good night. It's nice to be able to enjoy something, even when I'm sad. And it's always nice to be reminded of our precious girl, even if I do get emotional.

And so, Josh Groban, (not that you will ever read this), thank you for an amazing concert. Thanks for giving me something to look forward to and for reminding me of my darling Ariella.

Homesick

I was reminded of this song on Tuesday, and I'm so grateful for that reminder...it sums up perfectly how I feel. I know without a doubt that Ariella is in a better place, and while I rejoice over that, I grieve that I'm not with her. I'm homesick.

Homesick - MercyMe

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you

But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry

Is how long must I wait to be with you again?

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is, then I'm out of place

Lord won't You give me strength to make it through somehow?

I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord because I don't understand Your ways

The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know

But even if You showed me, the hurt would be the same

Cause I'm still here, so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is, then I'm out of place

Lord won't You give me strength to make it through somehow?

I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes

In Christ, there is no end

So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have

To see you again

To see you again

I can't wait to see you again Ariella Jade...

Faithful

If there's one thing that has been proved to me in the last 2 months, it is that God is faithful. We have been blessed by so many gifts, meals, cards, etc, but there was one night when I started to worry about one thing in particular. I don't even know if I had the energy to pray about it...but the next day my non-existent prayer was answered by two separate people. God had perfectly (and I mean perfectly) answered my need, even though I didn't have the strength to ask Him to provide.

God is faithful.

On Friday night I had a little "moment" - it just seemed like everything was too much, that it was too hard to cope with. On Saturday, Marcus and I received a very generous gift from a group of friends. It was unexpected, and reduced me to tears when we opened it. I wasn't crying because of their generosity (although we were both truly touched and blown away), but because it was like that gift came straight from God. A not so subtle reminder that He can and will provide.

God is faithful.

I had finished writing this post, when a delivery from some dear friends arrived: some flowers to add cheer to our day, and remind us that we are loved. 

God is faithful.

I wrote about a Steven Curtis Chapman song in my post Dance Among the Ruins, and I'll probable write about many more in the future. After the death of his daughter, he wrote a song called Faithful. I love it because it shows how we can know God is faithful even when we're struggling.

I am broken, I am bleeding

I am scared and I'm confused

But You are faithful

Yes, You are faithful

I am weary, unbelieving

God, please help my unbelief

'Cause You are faithful

Yes, You are faithful

I will proclaim it to the world

I will declare it to my heart

I'll sing it when the sun is shining

I will scream it in the dark

You are faithful!

You are faithful!

When you give and when You take away

Even then, still Your name is Faithful

You are faithful!

And with everything inside of me

I am choosing to believe You're faithful

I am waiting for the rescue that I know is sure to come

'Cause You are faithful

Yes, You are faithful

I've dropped anchor in Your promises

And I am holding on

'Cause You are faithful

God, You are faithful

Though I cannot have the answers

That I wanted to demand

I'll remember You are God and everything is in Your hands

In Your hands You hold the sun, the moon,

The stars up in the sky

For the sake of love You hung Your own Son on a cross to die

In Christ Alone

In Christ alone my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song

This cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are still, when strivings cease

My comforter, my all in all

Here in the love of Christ I stand!

This song is one that has so many memories connected to it for me. I listened to it for comfort when my Nanna died, when a friend/mentor died, we sung it at our wedding, and it was played at a dear friend's funeral last year. I've always loved how it tells the gospel message:

In Christ alone, who took on flesh

Fullness of God in helpless babe

This gift of love and righteousness

Scorned by the ones He came to save

Til on the cross as Jesus died

The wrath of God was satisfied

For every sin on Him was laid

Here in the death of Christ I live!

The third verse is my favourite. I love how there is a somber tone in the first lines, but absolute joy after that:

There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain

Then bursting forth in glorious day

Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me

For I am His, and He is mine

Bought with the precious blood of Christ!

After my 39wk midwife appointment, we drove to the hospital to have an ultrasound to see if there was a heartbeat. At that point, we both knew we were unlikely to see/hear our precious baby's heartbeat, and I was trying not to get my hopes up. It had never been tricky to find her heartbeat, so I knew something was wrong. Deep down, I knew our baby had died, but I also knew that our God works miracles. If we thought it was too late and there was no heartbeat, He could have easily changed that for us. While thinking all of those thoughts, this song came on.

No guilt in life, no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me

From life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of Hell, no scheme of man

Can ever pluck me from His hands

Til He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand!

What do I do with that verse? I have no fear for my own death, but I was certainly afraid of our baby dying. On the other hand, I knew without a doubt that nothing, not even our girl's death, could take me from God's hand (there is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still...)

What if life doesn't have a first cry, or a final breath? Ariella did neither of those. I now find it hard to sing that line, as they assume there is always a first cry and a final breath. There's not. And this song now reminds me of that. And while verse three proclaims that Jesus' body was in the ground but He rose, it reminds me that our girl's body is also in the ground, and I don't get to see her resurrected until I get to Heaven. And that feels like a long time to wait.

So even though it makes me cry when I hear it (like the past two weeks at church!), I will still try to sing:

Til He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand!

The Hurt and the Healer

There are a number of songs that have become quite meaningful for me since Ariella's death. Some are specifically about stillbirth or suffering and some remind me of God's character. The Hurt and the Healer by MercyMe is a mixture of the two. It's a song that I feel I could have written myself (if I was any good at writing songs/poems!) as it beautifully captures how someone who is suffering can both suffer and trust God at the same time. To apply that to my situation: I can grieve about Ariella while still trusting in God. I'm allowed to be sad, even though I know my daughter is safe with God. Feeling hurt does not negate my belief that God is healer. Please don't try to "cheer me up" by reminding me that Ariella is with God. I am very grateful for that truth, but I can still be upset that my daughter is not with me and my husband.

I thought about just posting snippets of the lyrics - just the bits that really apply to me at the moment. But I then realised that if I did that, I'd be posting basically the whole song! So here it is:

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn't come from being explained
Jesus please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have, all that remains

So here I am,
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breath it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide 

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

It's the moment when humanity 
Is overcome by majesty 
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say "It's over now"

Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

MercyMe - The Hurt and the Healer

Brave

My favourite singer is Josh Groban. Ever since I was first introduced to his music almost 10 years ago, I have eagerly awaited the release of new songs and albums. This year was no different. His latest album was due to be released on February 5, which was also Ariella's due date. For some reason that made me even more excited. I could have some amazing new music to listen to while holding my new baby. 

I didn't realise just how connected his songs would become to my daughter. 

The first single from the album is called Brave, and it was released about a week before Ariella's birth. Before the induction on Tuesday, my sister sent me the lyrics for the song. Even though I had listened to it multiple times (it had been on repeat for days,just ask my poor husband!), I hadn't connected with the lyrics until I read them in connection with my daughter's death:

You wanna run away, run away
And you say that it can't be so.
You wanna look away, look away
But you stay 'cause it's oh so close.
When you stand up and hold out your hand
In the face of what I don't understand,
My reason to be brave.

I wanted to run. I wanted to look away. No heartbeat? IT CAN'T BE SO! And it was oh so close. Too close. 

But my husband was my reason to be brave. I could not get through this without him. 

I love you Husband.

(To hear the whole song: Josh Groban, Brave)