Rainbow Baby: Update

About eight weeks ago, I shared the news that our second baby is on the way. Understandably, I've had a lot of questions from a lot of people...mostly the same questions! So I thought I'd update you all on how things are going, and hopefully answer those commonly asked questions!

Q: How are you going?
A: I am doing pretty well. The morning sickness eased quite a few weeks ago and only occasionally rears its head now. An easier pregnancy sickness-wise was one of our main prayers, and we're very grateful that God has answered that prayer.

Q: How far along are you?
A: I am halfway through this pregnancy now! And yes, it is going quickly.

Q: Is everything going alright with the baby? Can you feel kicks yet?
A: Yes. Things are going pretty much perfectly! I've felt kicks for weeks now and it's such a nice feeling. The scans we've had show a perfectly formed little person - ten fingers, ten toes, and a beating heart. 

Q: Is it a boy or a girl and do you have names picked?
A: We have some names picked, but won't be telling anyone what they are until this baby is born. In terms of this baby's gender, we aren't finding out. But it seems the general consensus is that it is a boy - I think my 2 year old niece is the only one to have guessed girl so far!

Q: Do you have extra medical care this time?
A: I am seeing the same midwife I saw throughout Ariella's pregnancy. She was absolutely lovely, and this pregnancy is low-risk, so I am able to have midwife care instead of seeing a doctor the whole way. I'm so grateful for this! It's nice not to have to be at the hospital for frequent appointments (or any appointments really, since my midwife comes to our home for appointments). It's also nice to know that every appointment will be with someone who knows about Ariella and was with us throughout her pregnancy, birth and the weeks afterward.

I've saved the most common question for last.

Q: Are you nervous or anxious?
A: I have to admit this is a fair question, but the answer may surprise you: no, I am no more nervous or anxious than I was at this stage with Ariella's pregnancy. That might seem crazy to you - after all, my first pregnancy ended with an unexplained, full term stillbirth. Surely I must be worried it will happen again! And initially, I was. After all, my one and only experience with being pregnant ended in stillbirth; it was all I knew. I mentioned earlier that one of our main prayers had been that I would not be as sick this pregnancy as last time. The other major prayer was that we would be calm, not anxious, and able to enjoy this pregnancy. God has well and truly answered those prayers. I am not nervous that this baby will die; in fact, I fully anticipate bringing home a living baby in January. 

One of my favourite Bible verses is this:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

This pregnancy is teaching me the truth of those words. For month now, we have been presenting our requests [for a healthy baby and non-anxious parents] to God, and He's been answering. I cannot explain the peace that I feel, it certainly does transcend all understanding. As I said earlier, I fully anticipate bringing home a living baby in January.

So there you have it - an update on this pregnancy and my emotional state. I hope I've answered all your questions, but if you have any others, please leave a comment here and I'll answer them in a future post.

Guilt

I often hear about "Mummies Guilt" - the thing mums feel when they realise that their child is eating chocolate while some other mum has home-baked goodies on hand for her children all the time (which are, of course, sugar-free, fat-free and delicious). Or when their child is watching their third episode of Play School for the day, while next-door's children are doing Tot School and can already read and write, despite being only two years old. Etc. Etc. There always seems to be someone doing "a better job" and that leads to guilt. 

I think there should be another version: Bereaved Mummies Guilt. It's the thoughts that pop into your head that you need to fight. Thoughts like "maybe she died because I ate chicken from the deli section once" or "if I hadn't had that soft-serve cone, he'd still be here". Of course, it doesn't matter that you had the soft-serve before you knew you shouldn't, or that the chicken was the only option and it was better than skipping lunch altogether. 

Or there's the even more ridiculous thoughts: if I'd gone into labour earlier, my child would still be alive. Although (probably) true, it's ridiculous. You can't MAKE yourself go into labour, so it can't be your fault.  "But" says the voice in your head, "your midwife told you various things to try and bring on labour. If only you'd tried all of them, instead of just one or two. If only you'd listened..." But even those aren't guaranteed to work. And you shouldn't feel guilty about something that you couldn't control.

But I do.

I feel guilty often, even though I know it wasn't my fault. 

I don't think people can truly understand it unless they've been through it. Expecting parents know they can't protect their children from everything once they are born. But surely you should be able to protect them while they are still inside of you. Pregnant mums take vitamins, watch their health and avoid danger foods thinking that by doing the "right things" their child will be protected. But then you find out your child hasn't developed as they should, and will only live a few hours after birth, if they make it that far. Or you find out that your child died inside of you, in the one place they should have been protected. You feel violated, that something so horrible should happen in you. And then you feel the guilt; like somehow you weren't a good enough mother, because you couldn't protect your child in what should have been the safest place of all. 

I think there's an added layer of difficulty for Christians. "If I'd prayed more, she wouldn't have died" or "if we'd told more people, they could have prayed, and she would have been healed". Or how about "God saved their child, not mine. He must favour them".

I know that is theologically wrong. That God isn't like that. But knowing something doesn't stop the initial thoughts from creeping in. Bereaved Mummies Guilt is teaching me the importance of 2 Corinthians 10:5...

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 

It's a battle, and it's tiring. But no matter what, God's love is deeper still.

Lying to myself

I weep with grief; encourage me by Your word. Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing Your law. I have chosen to be faithful; I have determined to live by Your laws.

Psalm 119:28-30

I read these verses yesterday, and I cannot get them out of my thoughts. It's as if they found a cozy little spot in my brain, settled in and now stubbornly refuse to leave. I'm grateful for that, because as soon as I read them, I felt as though I could have written them.

The thing with baby-loss is that many parents (mothers in particular) have a tendency to blame themselves. Even though one of the first things my wonderful midwife said to me after the diagnosis was that it wasn't my fault, often I would still blame myself. After all, if there's any time during a child's life that a mother should be able to protect them, isn't it pregnancy? 

When I read the psalmist's prayer that God would keep him from lying to himself, I resonated with that. Because I know that the self-blame is a lie. As I was writing this post, I read a post my friend Sarah has written. It's called A Battle Unseen, and I encourage you to read it. It made me remember that the thoughts of self-blame are not lies that I tell myself, but lies from the devil. She's included quite a few Scriptures as well, which combat the lies. A very hand reference :)

And it doesn't just apply to baby-loss. The devil will try to make you believe all sorts of lies, and he'll disguise them as your own thoughts. Things such as "you're worthless, unloved, always to blame."

It's not the truth. 

This is:

-You are not worthless
-You are not to blame for your parents separating
-You are loved by many people
-You do have a purpose
-God does not regret making you
-God does not hate you
-God loves you

Late night thoughts

The main thought that is popping into my head lately is it's not supposed to be like this. I'm doing a whole lot better than I was 14 weeks ago, but it's still hard. It's not supposed to be this hard.

Driving home after seeing people set up for a mum's group at church, and driving past the cemetery where Ariella is... it's not supposed to be like this.

Feeling horribly anxious and occasionally physically ill when certain events, groups or people are mentioned, simply because it reminds me of what I don't have? It's not supposed to be like this. 

Regretting having a tidy home, washing up to date and baking done, because I should be too busy or tired to care about a neat house...it's not supposed to be like this. 

And it's true. It shouldn't be like this. That's why Jesus came; it's why He gave up His life so that we don't have to. He rose from the dead as evidence that one day, we too will rise.

One day there won't be death anymore.

One day there won't be pain.

One day I'll be too busy worshiping my God that nothing else will matter. 

Death is swallowed up in victory.
O death, where is your victory?

O death, where is your sting?

1 Corinthians 15:54-55

God's home is now among his people. He will live with them, and they will be His people. God Himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.

Revelation 21:3-4

THAT'S how it is supposed to be.

Anxiety

One of my favourite verses in the Bible is Philippians 4:6-7:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

I love that. As Christians, we don't have to be anxious. Instead, we can have God's peace to guard our hearts. In a perfect world, that would be easy. But the world isn't perfect, and Satan does all he can to stop us presenting our requests to God and having the peace of God guard our hearts. I have to confess that I haven't been doing a good job of letting God's peace guard my heart. Overall, I do feel God's peace, but at times I don't. In fact, I got rather worked up and anxious about something the other day that my stomach was in knots; I was so anxious I could barely eat! (What I was anxious about isn't important, so please don't ask what it was.) And was it worth being anxious? Nope - what I was worried about didn't eventuate!!

It was as though I could feel God tapping me on the shoulder, saying gently "I told you, you can trust Me." As horrible as it felt to be so anxious, I'm grateful that I can look back now and see it as an example for next time I start to become anxious. GOD IS FAITHFUL. His peace is real. If only I can remember that.