One of those days

Today was one of those days when just getting out of bed was a victory. Yet alone getting dressed, eating and going out. I just miss her so badly. I miss her smell, her perfect little fingers and her sweet little nose. I wish I could say "I miss her smile" but I don't know what her smile looked like. I bet it was cute, and probably a little bit cheeky (if she was anything like her daddy or me). 

After I eventually got up and dressed, and had some Nutella toast (perfect to give me at least a little smile), I decided to drop into the cemetery on my way to church. Only to drive up and see them digging a new grave in Ariella's section. It's awful. My heart just breaks whenever I see a new hole. There's been too many recently. After finishing at church, I decided to go back to the cemetery, as I knew they'd be finished and I'd be able to actually get out of the car and sit with Ariella. I arrived, only to discover that they'd actually dug two holes this morning. TWO. And they are separate holes, so it must be two families who have recently suffered loss. It's just...heartbreaking. 

Not long after Ariella's death, I found a song called Even If by Kutless. I was immediately struck by the lyrics and found it comforting to have a song that expressed my feelings so perfectly. Today was one of those days when I needed to listen to it again. 

Sometimes all we have to hold on to

Is what we know is true of who You are

So when the heartache hits like a hurricane

That can never change who You are

And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come

And life falls apart

And dreams are still undone

You are God

You are good

Forever faithful One

Even if the healing

Even if the healing doesn't come

Lord, we know Your ways are not our ways

So we set our faith in who You are

Even thought you reign high above us

You tenderly love us

We know Your heart

And we rest in who You are

You're still the great and mighty One

We trust You always

You're working all things for our good

We'll sing Your praise

You are God and we will bless You

As the good and faithful One

You are God and we will bless You

Even if the healing doesn't come

Even if the healing doesn't come

Ariella's healing didn't come. 
Life fell apart. 
Dreams are undone. 
Even so,
He is God.
He is good.
He is forever faithful.