Dance among the ruins

Earlier this week I told my husband that I feel like my life is ruined. Not in the sense of "now there's no hope" or anything like that, but because I know that I will always have this sadness with me. I don't know how I'll ever be 100% happy again, because even happy events will be tainted by the knowledge that Ariella is not here with us.

Like college graduation this coming weekend, when I was expecting to introduce Ariella to some people for the first time. 

Or the friend's wedding reception that we organised to take Ariella to, and were going to be seated in such a way as to make having a baby with us easier.

Or the other friends' wedding and reception, when I was expecting to have to juggle the wedding and Ariella by myself, because Marcus is a groomsman. 

Or Mothers' Day.

Or Fathers' Day.

Or. Or. Or. 

So many events and "celebrations" that are, in some small way, ruined.

Steven Curtis Chapman is a Christian singer/songwriter who has also had a daughter die and the album he wrote after that tragedy, Beauty Will Rise, has been playing almost constantly in my car since I bought it about 4 weeks ago. Two days after telling Hubby that I felt my life has been ruined, I was struck by one of the lyrics in the song Beauty Will Rise:

Out of these ashes

Beauty will rise

And we will dance among the ruins

We will see with our own eyes

Out of this darkness

New light will shine

And we'll know the joy that's coming in the morning

It's not that the ruins will disappear. They will still be there. But I can learn to dance and find joy among the ruins. 

Not despite the ruins. 

Not instead of the ruins. 

But among them.