Heaven's Got a Plan For You

On January 28 2013, we were eagerly anticipating the birth of our first child. I was just under 39 weeks pregnant and my midwife came for what we thought would be a routine check-up. Instead, we discovered that our precious baby had already gone to Heaven. To say it was awful would be an understatement. Later that week, my husband and I went shopping for a dress to bury Ariella in. It was a very challenging experience - not only did we have to spend time in the baby section of shops (which tend to be filled with parents and little babies...) but it was very difficult to find a dress in her size, yet alone a dress good enough to be her forever dress. I felt like I was on the edge of a breakdown the entire time, until I heard the voice of God in this song that was playing in one of the stores:

Don't you worry, don't you worry child

See Heaven's got a plan for you

Don't you worry, don't you worry child...

To this day, I can't decide if what I heard in the song was God speaking about me or Ariella. Was it the voice of my Father God, calling me His child and reminding me that He had a plan even in the midst of our tragedy? Or was He telling me that He had a plan for Ariella? Or was it both?

I think it was both. As we wandered through the shops doing something I never wanted to do, I needed to know that God was still in control, that He still had a plan for my life. But I also needed to know that there was a plan for Ariella that hadn't stopped just because she had died. One year later and I cannot say that I know what either plan is. I don't know what God is going to do with my life or Ariella's legacy, but I know He'll do something. Over the past year I've had the privilege of getting to know some incredible women, sharing with them in this grief journey and honouring the lives of their babies. I'm grateful for those whom I have met and the impact they have had on me.

I cannot say I am grateful for the events of this day last year, but I am grateful for the knowledge that God still has a plan.

Don't you worry, don't you worry child...

Ariella's Birthday Week

Next week is a significant week - it's the one year anniversary of Ariella's death and her first birthday. I have to be honest and say that it's quite difficult to think about those days. But no matter how hard those days seem to be, I still want to celebrate our girl. My friend Sarah had a "birthday week" to celebrate her little Evie. I loved the idea and decided to do likewise for Ariella. Will you join us as we spend the week celebrating the life our little girl had?

I've put together a range of different things you could do to celebrate Ariella throughout the week. If you choose to celebrate with us, please let us know.

-Take a photo and share it with us via Facebook or Instagram using the hashtag #celebratingariellajade 

-Send a message telling us what you have done in her memory

-Leave a comment on this post 

For those who want to donate in her memory, three organisations have helped us a lot.

• Heartfelt: provided our gorgeous photos of Ariella. Many of you donated to the camera project for my birthday and enough money was raised to completely cover two kits and half of another (Heartfelt covered the other half). If you would like, you could donate so that Heartfelt have to contribute less towards that third kit. My fundraising page has closed, but you can donate via the website and just write in the comments that it is in memory of Ariella Jade for the camera kits.
• Pregnancy Loss Australia: gave us a care package on the day we found out Ariella had died. It included a teddy bear so that we had something in our arms when we left hospital. You can donate in Ariella's name and provide a teddy/care package for another grieving family.
• Sands: provide great ongoing support. I went to a support meeting and it was the first and only place where my grief has felt normal. They rely heavily on donations and you can donate in Ariella's name.

Please feel no obligation to donate, but I thought I would suggest a few options if that is something you would like to do. Thank you in advance for any way you choose to remember and celebrate Ariella Jade next week. 

2013

2013.

At midnight on December 31 2012, I stood with some of my closest friends on a beach, laughing as we tried madly to light sparklers with no success and then tried to get some flame from another group on the beach. As we watched the fireworks to the north and south of us I was full of anticipation for 2013. In one sense, it was a year of unknown: was Baby going to be a girl or a boy? Would they come early or late? What job would my husband find? How would I handle life with a newborn? But in another sense, I thought I knew what 2013 would hold: a baby.

And I suppose it did. Our sweet Ariella Jade was born at 9am on January 30 and we got to spend two whole days with her. Our baby; our forever baby.

That’s why I’m not ready to say goodbye to 2013. It will always be the only year in which we got to hold our daughter. I cannot say it was the worst year of my life, because it contained some of the best moments of my life. In 2013 we got to meet our baby, hold her, name her and create memories with her. In no other year will I get to clothe her, snuggle her or read to her, so 2013 cannot be all bad. In addition to that, I’ve spent 37 weeks of 2013 pregnant with Baby #2; it’s been hard and draining, but also wonderful. Feeling a little life wriggle about and knowing that at least one of my children is alive. I cannot say 2013 has been all bad. On the flipside, 2013 also contained the worst moments of my life: the drive to the hospital assuming that our baby had died, the confirmation ultrasound, leaving the hospital room and later, the funeral home.

When I stood on the beach one year ago, I had no idea what would occur exactly 4 weeks later. I miss that innocence, thinking that the worst that could happen was that our sparklers wouldn’t light and that 2013 was going to be an incredible year. I guess all I can say is that it has been an incredible roller coaster.

Simply Surviving

I realised the other day that I have only written one blog post for the month of December. That wasn't my intention at all, and a few factors have played into that.

Firstly, I literally couldn't write posts in my computer. For some unknown reason, all I could do was write a title but no text! I tried various things and nothing would fix it...only to realise after a couple of weeks that I have a Blogger app on my phone (how I'm writing this, so please excuse any formatting errors!) or I can use my husband's computer as it still works on there. 

Secondly, there was Christmas. I had promises a couple of people that I would write a post about how to help us at Christmas, but I couldn't find the words. I was so appreciative of the friends who asked what we wanted and those who mentioned Ariella in cards, gifts or messages. How gorgeous are these presents we were given?

I had decided at the start of December to find the joy in Christmas, even without my baby girl. We put up the tree, bought gifts and made some plans. I even joined a carols choir at church to try to force myself out of my rather small comfort zone. But by the time Christmas arrived, I struggled. A lot. Christmas morning was perhaps the most difficult morning in months, but the day got better and ended up ok. I spent it with my husband and we had a picnic lunch at the beach before a quiet night at home. It helped that he had three days off work, as I always feel better when he is around. 

The third reason I haven't written much this month is perhaps the most important. I feel like all my energy has been put into simply surviving. January is going to be huge - a baby's birth and Ariella's anniversary and birthday. These last few weeks of pregnancy have been so draining, and I'm not yet at my due date. Which means there are more draining days ahead. By the time I've made it through another day of being pregnant, I don't have the energy left for much else, including writing. And plus, what is there to say? I'm still pregnant, I'm still holding my breath, I'm still missing our sweet Ariella.

A Special Day

"I call upon the persons here present to witness that I Larissa, take you Marcus to be my lawful wedded husband. Marcus, you're my best friend; I'm so grateful God gave me to you to be your wife. I promise to love you unconditionally, to honour you with my words and actions, and to always respect you. I promise to pray with you and for you, to encourage and support you. No matter what problems we face - whether sickness, poverty, sorrow or otherwise, I will be faithful to you. I will laugh with you and cry with you, because you are my best friend, the love of my life. Marcus, I give you my heart and my love, from this day forward, as long as we both shall live."

Two years ago today, when I said those words, I had no idea that just 14 months later, my husband and I would face a sorrow greater than we could have imagined. And yet, through it all, I have never doubted his love for me, or mine for him. When I promised to always pray with him and for him, I didn't know that for months those prayers would be begging God for comfort, hope and strength. When I promised to laugh and cry with him, I didn't realise that sometimes the laughing and crying would be simultaneous.

Marcus, thank you for loving me like you promised; for always wiping away my tears and providing me with that desperately needed hug. Your patience and kindness astounds me frequently and never once have I doubted that you love me. I'm so glad you chose me.

Thank you for making me smile when I didn't think it was possible and for not minding when I am silly at serious moments. Thank you for keeping me calm (and being ok when that means letting me have a Josh Groban song on repeat!) and taking such good care of me and our babies. I'm hoping the next two years are easier than the two we've had so far, but even if they aren't, I love you. You're my reason to be brave.

Let them praise the Lord for His great love and for the wonderful things He has done for them.

Psalm 107:21