I shouldn't

Life is not how I imagined it would be.

I shouldn't have the luxury of resting in bed, trying to fight off a cold that hasn't yet made up its mind whether it will stay or not. I should be up, looking after an eight month old. But I'm not.

I shouldn't dread meeting new people, in case they ask if this pregnancy is my first. I shouldn't feel awkward when answering truthfully, but then again, people shouldn't back away when I tell them about Ariella.

I shouldn't be uncomfortable at larger gatherings, but people's silence regarding Ariella is deafening.

I shouldn't be planning how to capture my grief when on holidays for a week; I should be excitedly looking forward to introducing Ariella to a great friend of ours. But I'm not.

I shouldn't have to go to the cemetery to visit our girl. But I do.

Eight months on and I miss her more than ever.

Life shouldn't be so hard. But it is.

Capture Your Grief

Carly Marie is hosting the Capture Your Grief photo challenge for October, which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Each day has a topic, and those affected by pregnancy and infant loss are encouraged to take part and share their stories by the photographs they take.

I'm going to try and take part, although I will be away for a week, so I'm not sure if I'll do those days or not. I may do them early, or perhaps play catch-up once I'm home! Given the topics, I'm sure it will be quite an emotional undertaking!

I'm curious - are any of you going to take part? All the details can be found on Carly Marie's website - I highly recommend checking out the link, as it explains some of the topics and gives you some things to think about when planning your photos. And if a day will be too confronting, or too difficult, there's no reason you have to do it!

Five minute mug cake

When I first heard of this recipe, I knew it was a keeper. I remember hearing it on the radio about five years ago, and quickly grabbing a pen and paper to scribble it down to make sure I could remember it. I needn't have bothered, as just a few years later, "in a mug" recipes seem to be all the rage at the moment! I wanted to share this one with you all, because I think it's perfectly suited to baby loss mums. For months I struggled to cook or bake, but this recipe barely qualifies as cooking or baking! It also has chocolate, and we all know there are times when chocolate is the answer! It's meant to make a single serve, although I find it's quite large to eat by myself and often end up sharing with my hubby. It's also very quick, so the need for comfort food can be quickly satisfied.

Not pretty, but tasty. I promise.

5 MINUTE CHOCOLATE MUG CAKE
4T    plain flour
4T    sugar
2T    cocoa
1      egg
3T    milk
3T    oil
3T    chocolate chips (optional)
Splash of vanilla essence (optional)

*Add the dry ingredients to a mug and mix well. A bigger mug is better, as there'll be less overflow when cooking.
*Crack an egg and add it to your mug. Make sure you mix well, making sure not to leave pockets of flour in the corners.
*Pour in the oil and milk, and mix.
*Now is the time to add the chocolate chips if you have them, as well as the vanilla essence.
*Pop your mug into a microwave and zap for 3 minutes on maximum power. Depending on the size of your mug, the cake may rise above the rim and start to look a bit strange. That's ok, it will still be tasty! In the photo above, the mug is ginormous; an ordinary mug will give you a very different looking cake!
*Your mug cake is cooked! Take out of the microwave, and enjoy! After all, you slaved over this! ;)

The one with the surprising back story

There are a few TV shows that I love. Gilmore Girls would have to be at the top of the list, no doubt about it. But I also like 30 Rock, Whose Line is it Anyway, and Friends. And it's that last one that I wanted to write about today, hence the title of this post...any other Friends fans out there and get it? :D

In one episode, Joey realises he doesn't have a present for baby Emma's first birthday, so on the spur of the moment he decides to give her a dramatic reading of the children's book that happened to be sitting near Joey. The book was Love You Forever, by Robert Munsch. From what we see of Joey reading it, it's a very sweet book that includes the refrain:

I'll love you forever

I'll like you for always

As long as I'm living

My baby you'll be.

Isn't that sweet? I happened to see that episode while pregnant, and thought it sounded like such a sweet book. I would love to have a collection of children's books and hopefully instill a love of books in our children. And I thought this one would be a good book to add to the collection. I looked it up on Google, and found the words for the whole book...and it was hilarious! It's all about a mother who rocks her baby to sleep while singing the refrain. But the baby, "it grew and it grew and it grew". It became a two year old, a nine year old, and a teenager, whose behaviour would prompt his mother to say "this kid is driving me crazy"! But nevertheless, at the end of each day, the mother would go into his bedroom, pick him up and rock him, while singing the short song. Even when he was a "great big man"! It's quite funny the scenarios that are given; I mean, a mother sneaking into her adult son's house in order to rock him and sing to him? At the end of the book, the roles are reversed, and the son is the one rocking his elderly mother and singing the song to her (with the last line reading "my mother you'll be"). To hear Munsch reading the book, click here.

I thought it was a sweet book about the unending love a mother has for her baby. But that's all I thought it was.


Now for the surprising back story:

Love You Forever was Munsch' personal tribute to his two stillborn babies and his way of remembering and honouring their little lives. 

Wow. When I discovered that this morning, I was blown away. It was one of those moments of realising that baby loss really does affect a lot of people. I never got around to buying the book when I was pregnant last time, and I'm more determined than ever to find it this time. I love the last two lines of the refrain: as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be. Because that's how I've felt about Ariella this whole year. It doesn't matter that she isn't living anymore, I am, and she is still my baby. Even though I will have other children, who will (hopefully and most likely) grow up, she will quite literally be my baby forever.

And I'll love her forever, I'll like her for always.

(To read the full back story of Love You Forever, click here.)

Forever is a really long time

Sometimes it hits me that I'll always miss Ariella. Everyday. For the rest of my life. Forever. And that's a really long time.

Missing her isn't like missing my sister, who is living overseas for three years. Because my sister will come back; Ariella won't. Forever is a really long time. 

The hurt I feel at her absence isn't like the hurt from a friend who doesn't speak to me. Because friendships come and go; a daughter should not be gone. Forever is a really long time. 

Every time that I look at the dirty washing that needs doing, I know there should be a stack of little baby clothes also waiting to be washed. I pre-washed all her clothes while I was pregnant, but I'll never wash clothes for her again. Her clothes will forever sit unwashed. Forever is a really long time. 

I see parents playing with their little girls on the playground near my house, pushing them in the swings and catching them at the bottom of the slide. I'm reminded that I've forever lost the chance to play with our little girl. Forever is a really long time. 

On every Mothers Day. On every Fathers Day. On every birthday, anniversary and Christmas. In every family photo, there will forever be one person missing. One sweet little girl, with blue eyes and wavy brown hair. 

Forever is a really long time. 

(*Disclaimer - as a Christian, I do believe that I will see Ariella again in Heaven. Trust me, if it wasn't for that belief I wouldn't cope anywhere near as well.  But please understand that sometimes it's hard to see past this life without her. This life can seem like forever. And forever is a really long time.)