Three months

Three months ago today, at 9am, I got to meet the sweetest little girl. Yes I had to say goodbye before I wanted to, but I'm so grateful I got to meet her.

Three months ago today, I saw the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. 

Anxiety

One of my favourite verses in the Bible is Philippians 4:6-7:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

I love that. As Christians, we don't have to be anxious. Instead, we can have God's peace to guard our hearts. In a perfect world, that would be easy. But the world isn't perfect, and Satan does all he can to stop us presenting our requests to God and having the peace of God guard our hearts. I have to confess that I haven't been doing a good job of letting God's peace guard my heart. Overall, I do feel God's peace, but at times I don't. In fact, I got rather worked up and anxious about something the other day that my stomach was in knots; I was so anxious I could barely eat! (What I was anxious about isn't important, so please don't ask what it was.) And was it worth being anxious? Nope - what I was worried about didn't eventuate!!

It was as though I could feel God tapping me on the shoulder, saying gently "I told you, you can trust Me." As horrible as it felt to be so anxious, I'm grateful that I can look back now and see it as an example for next time I start to become anxious. GOD IS FAITHFUL. His peace is real. If only I can remember that.

Butterfly kisses, bad news and banana bread

There's a famous song called Butterfly Kisses. I used to like it, but now I don't. They lyrics say:

After all that I've done wrong

I must have done something right

To deserve a hug every morning

And butterfly kisses at night

I heard it played at a wedding on the weekend, and my heart just broke. It's hard enough going to weddings: seeing the dad walk his daughter down the aisle, hearing him give a speech about his girl, and maybe watching them dance. I see all of these happen, and know that's another thing we lost when our daughter died. It's all I can do not to run out to my car and sob. And then Butterfly Kisses is played. Sure it's a lovely song, but if the lyrics I underlined are true, does that mean my husband and I did too much wrong, because we won't get those things? Is a living daughter who gives hugs and kisses really a result of doing something right? No.  It's not dependent on how good we are, or even how bad we are. Life happens. Death happens. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. God is still sovereign. 

I hate giving people bad news. Telling family and friends that Ariella had died was one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever had to do. I'm thankful for things like Facebook, which enables us to spread the news and try to make sure everyone knows. But not everyone does know...yet they knew I was pregnant. On the weekend I bumped into someone who knew I was pregnant. The last time I'd seen them was three days before Ariella died. She looked at me and said "you had a baby, didn't you?" And I hated having to tell her that yes, I did, but she was stillborn. The look in her eyes was heartbreaking. She had asked an innocent question, one that I would have joyfully answered if Ariella was alive. Instead I had bad news to give her; it feels like I ruin people's day when I tell them what happened. I don't like making other people sad.

The other day I made banana bread. It may not seem like a big deal, but it was. Before I was pregnant, I loved baking and would bake at least once a week. Then I got morning sickness and couldn't even go into a kitchen without feeling sick, yet alone do any baking. Once the morning sickness left, I was often too tired to bake, and honestly forgot it was an option (as I hadn't done any baking for months). After Ariella was born, I hated the idea of baking. It was another reminder that Ariella wasn't with me - I didn't want to do something that I hadn't been able to do while she was alive. But last week I made banana bread. And I made some muffins too. To me, that's a big deal. Celebrating the small stuff.

Anzac Day

I have all sorts of things on my mind that I could write about, but I won't. Today is Anzac Day, the day Australians and New Zealanders remember the thousands of lives lost at Gallipoli in 1914, as well as all those who have served in our defence forces.

I've always been touched that so many men (in those days) gave up their lives for their countries. And today while remembering them, I am also thinking of the families who lost loved ones. My loss might be different to yours, but a loss is a loss.

To those who have served, thank you.
To those whose family members served, thank you for your sacrifices too.

Lest we forget.

Adelaide Baby Wearers

Long before I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to "wear" my baby. I remember trying a Baby Bjorn once, and it was SO uncomfortable (I have since found out that they aren't the best for babies either). My sister bought an Ergo and a friend bought a Manduca, so I knew there were better options out there. While I was pregnant, I bought a Manduca from the lovely Rachel at Owl Baby. I also found and joined a lovely group on Facebook: Adelaide Baby Wearers (ABW).

ABW is a wonderful community of parents who "wear" their children - either with structured carriers like the Ergo or Manduca, or with wraps that are specially made to be strong enough to carry children safely. Throughout my pregnancy, they kindly answered my questions about different carriers, and one mumma even gave me a stretchy wrap, which is perfect for a newborn. 

After Ariella was born, I let the group know what had happened. I didn't expect anything from them, and I almost didn't even say anything. I only knew these people from online (except for a few people I knew from outside ABW), so I wasn't sure if it would be odd for me to say something. But I thought about their support and advice during pregnancy, and thought that I should tell them. So I did. 

The response was amazing. This wonderful community pulled together to support us, and we were truly blown away by all they did. We had meals dropped at our door, and then received a message to tell us the meals were there. It was so considerate - they wanted to help but not intrude. Someone even collected meals from a number of people and filled a bag for us, so we received a bunch of meals at once - all of which were pre-frozen for us. We also received a package that had a whole range of things in it, and I want to share two of them. I don't know who in the group contributed to the things we received, but I do know two of the women who contributed: 

There are two mums in ABW that make jewellery/clothing from scraps of woven wraps. Amy at Woven Wrap Creations and Courtney at Miss Evie. I received a beautiful necklace from Amy, and some earrings and a ring from Courtney. Aren't they beautiful?

(The 'Ariella Jade' necklace was also an ABW gift. I wear it everyday.)

If you ever want some unique clothing for a little person in your life or some jewellery, please check out Amy and Courtney's Facebook pages. I've never met these two women, and yet they each gave me something to let me know that they were thinking of me. It was very generous of them, and I'd love it if people were to support them too. 

And if you live in or near Adelaide, and are interested in wearing your baby, join ABW on Facebook. They are a lovely bunch of people, and I am very grateful for them.