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Monday, May 27, 2013

Guest Post: Early Pregnancy Loss

Since Ariella died, I've had a number of friends open up to me about their pregnancy losses. Today I have the honour of sharing with you something that a dear friend of mine wrote about her pregnancy loss. I hope you'll take the time to read this, as her words reveal a struggle that is so often overlooked by society. 
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Before I had a miscarriage I didn't really know what an impact it would have on someone's life. Being a paramedic, we often get called to woman experiencing a miscarriage and the first thing you notice is the fear in her eyes and pain on her face. But you don't exactly know how she feels. I think we all know what it feels like to have a loved one die but this is different. There is no physical human being that we, as the outsider can see. We can't associate any feelings with this unborn infant because to us it is invisible. Of course we feel sad for those women but what do you say? There is nothing you can say to take her pain, pain that we don't understand, away from her.



Even in stillbirth we can understand the pain a little bit more than a miscarriage. With stillbirth, there is a physical baby there, for the world to see. I think seeing a perfect baby, born sleeping forever creeps into the depths of our hearts and would make the toughest person break down. The baby is there, there is proof of its existence, there is a funeral to attend and a grave site to visit. Somebody died, a baby died.

But with miscarriage, nobody physically died. Not for anyone else to see. There was no "somebody". In most cases there is no physical evidence that there was a baby at all. So when a woman experiences a miscarriage, it is all silent and secret, just like the miracle that was meant to be growing inside of her.

When I had my miscarriage I was six weeks pregnant. We had been trying for six months and over that six months the love for my unmade baby was already starting to grow. When I saw those two little pink lines my heart exploded with six months worth of love. Despite us knowing for only two weeks, it felt like a lifetime of love and hope and excitement had built up and was nestled in my heart.

When I had my miscarriage I was only six weeks. We had not even had an ultrasound performed. We never even got to see our baby's heart beating. 

At six weeks, the embryo is the size of a pea. It looks like a tadpole with a big head. It's ugly and alien. But its tiny heart starts beating. What a miracle. But to an expectant mother, that little alien is a baby. A baby. A chubby cheeked, fat fisted, dribbling baby, a child, a daughter or a son.

At six weeks, a miscarriage is described as an "early pregnancy loss". A lot of doctors dismiss it and speak harshly about bleeding and D&Cs and when you can try again. There is no recognition for your hopes and dreams which now lay, crushed on the bottom of that hospital floor.

I was devastated. My precious baby. My child had died. Gone. Forever. And there was nothing I could do but watch as my baby was literally ripped from inside me in a painful and bloody way. There was nothing anyone could do. No baby, not anymore.

When I started to share my grief and the devastating news with the few family and friends I had told about the pregnancy, the responses were mixed. Some said "how sad, how awful. I am so sorry" and that was nice. And some said "at least you knew you could get pregnant" or "it was for the best, obviously something was wrong, and the baby would probably have had down syndrome" or "it wasn't as if you lost an actual baby". That hurt the most. No, I didn't physically lose a fully formed baby. But in my heart and mind my embryo was a baby. It was a person, a somebody to me. Even if it wasn't a somebody to others. As the weeks went by I found that I craved recognition for my baby. While others guard the loss in the depths of their souls, I wanted to tell the world that "I had a baby, and it died".

A dear friend of mine only a month before my miscarriage had a still born baby. I was devastated for her. Her baby was incredibly beautiful and it was an incredibly unfair, unjust, unexplainable loss for her and her husband. I began to feel so ashamed at myself for feeling so sad for my loss when hers was so much greater. My baby most likely never had a beating heart while hers beat for nine months. How dare I be so selfish at being sad for me, when she lost an actual baby.

Suddenly I found myself feeling what others had felt for me. That it wasn't like I had actually lost a baby. All I lost was a little pea. My sweet little pea.

But I can't shake the devastation for how I still feel about losing my baby. For having an "early pregnancy loss". I joined a still birth and neonatal death Facebook support group SANDS. This group also supports woman who have experienced a miscarriage. But those woman were much further along in their pregnancies than I was. Again, I felt the crushing weight of guilt and shame for being a phony. For pretending to be a mother who lost an angel. For what was my loss next to the losses of these women? I was torn between grieving the loss of my child and feeling ashamed at pretending I lost a child when I didn't, not really.

Doctors, friends, strangers, they had dismissed my loss. It was just an "early pregnancy loss". But out of everyone in the world, it was the women who I believed to have lost so much more were the ones who comforted me.

They were the ones who recognized my little pea as a baby. They understood the grief and loss I felt. It was my dear friend who reassured me, told me that I wasn't a phony, wasn't pretending to have lost something more valuable than it actually was. That even though I had an "early pregnancy loss" I still lost a baby. That hers was just a bigger baby. And it was a baby. I need to realize that I lost my child. I lost my son or my daughter. My child died. It doesn't matter how far along the pregnancy was. It doesn't matter if you, as an outsider don't understand or think that it isn't the same as if somebody actually died. My baby was a somebody to me, my baby was a somebody to my husband.

When I would have been twelve weeks I announced my pregnancy. I wanted my baby to be recognized. I wanted to feel like my baby had existed. It was like the more people knew about my baby, the more my baby's existence and meaning couldn't be taken away from me.

So if somebody you know has gone through or is going through an early pregnancy loss, a miscarriage, a regretted abortion or a stillbirth, please acknowledge their baby's existence. It isn't about what you think. It isn't about how you think. It's about recognizing that a mother and father have lost their child, no matter how far along the pregnancy was. Say "I'm sorry you lost your baby", and that is all that is needed. Allow time for the parents to grieve, for as long as they need. It is not about how long you think they should grieve for. Don't try and explain it, or try to make them see the silver lining. Just be there for them. And every now and then ask how they are going and really listen if they choose to actually tell you. Because their baby was a somebody to them.

I was six weeks pregnant when my baby died. I was six weeks when I had an early pregnancy loss, but it is more than that. I was six weeks when I became a mother to an angel. My Angel. And nobody can take that away from me.

70 comments:

  1. Thank you - both of you. I've never spoken about my miscarriages because of how early they were, seemed like it was wrong to be upset.

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    1. I'm so sorry you felt you couldn't be upset. And I'm sorry for the loss of your precious little ones <3

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    2. I lost my little angel yesterday at 7 weeks. Yesterday I told myself it was a lost pregnancy not a lost child and yesterday I believed me but today I feel so desperately sad and I'm thinking about 26th October when it would have been due and I could hold my baby and sniff it's gorgeous head and feel it's soft hair on my cheek. Today it's not just a lost pregnancy today It's my baby, I've lost my baby and it hurts like hell. Sorry everyone I just wanted to/needed to share this. Xxx

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  2. I've had so many people sharing their losses with me, too. I agree, it is an honour to be someone to remember their stories and their babies. It also gives me hope that the more we talk about pregnancy loss, the less stigma it will have and the more educated the world can be.

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    1. I agree. I wish it was spoken about more, since it really is common.

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  3. Thanks for this. I was 11 weeks when I lost mine, just two weeks ago. We thought we were almost out of the woods. I have the same feelings as you.

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    1. I'm so very sorry you've gone through this too Andrea :(

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  4. I have other children, and am so thankful for them, but the one we lost haunts me. My 5 year old was so excited to have a new baby in the house, she named our little pea "Bob" and would talk to my tummy for hours. At 7 weeks, the cramping started. I knew before the Dr confirmed we had lost it. Bless my OB, he cried with me when he told us there was no heart beat. I should be almost 8 months along now, and i'm not. I started a period today and simply cried. I have been okay, i thought, but today i'm not, and i need to read this i think. Thank you for writing it. I have lost one of my children, they are just gone, before I could even say hello, but the piece is still missing from my heart. thank you for your words, they were needed by me on this dark day

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    1. Other children certainly don't replace the one who we don't have, even though sometimes the world seems to expect that. I'm sorry your little "Bob" isn't in your tummy kicking around now; and periods are horrible reminders of what should be but isn't :(

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    2. I think I will celebrate my babies birthday on 26th October just privately nobody else needs to be involved just for me and my baby. Xxx

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  5. I have miscarried a large number of times and was told by 2 doctors I would never have a baby. I am 7 months pregnant now with a little boy, even though the chances of something happening are very slim I am still scared every day that my little Evan just will not be with me anymore, just like my angel babies. My OB said that my miscarriages do not count because they were too early, but to me they do.

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    1. Oh Bethany, I cannot believe your OB would say that to you...your babies certainly do count, no matter how short a time they were with you. I too am 7 months pregnant at the moment, and I know the fear that something will happen. Praying that in two months time, your little Evan will be with you, safely in your arms and not just your heart,

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  6. thank you for this post...I lost Francesco at 8 weeks and Isaia at 9 weeks of pregnancy... 2 miscarriage, 2 births at home, 2 children in less on earth, 2 sons in more on my hearth...

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  7. Wow what an amazing beautifully written post!. I have experienced both ends of baby loss, I've had 2 early pregnancy loss's at 8 weeks Summer and Esperanza and in between that I lost my perfect baby boy Lukas born full term and became and angel 26 hours after birth. In all my 3 pregnancies I have had the same hope, love and dreams xxx

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  8. Hello. I just found your post, via pinterest. My baby died at only 7 weeks. It is hard because part of me keeps telling myself YES I LOST MY BABY! And another part keeps asking "was there truly a baby?" And ours was IVF. We've had the embryo for a year and a half and then for it to be transplanted and implant...and then not grow. It hurts. It hurts more than anything I've ever experienced. Yes. I will say it - while it sucks - but my BABY died. Even if he/she was "only" 7 weeks old in-utero.

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    1. Hi Lilly, I'm so sorry your little one was only with you for 7 weeks. I know there's nothing I can say to ease the hurt, but please know I'm thinking of you.
      Larissa xx

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  9. Just came across this on pinterest. I am so glad I did. I had just finished writing a blog entry on my experience. I lost my angel at 6.5 weeks. I would be almost 4 months pregnant now. I can't help but wonder "what if"... I can only hope to be able to meet my unborn baby one day.

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  10. Thank you so much for your post. I lost my twins last week. I was 6 weeks along into an IVF pregnancy. It seems like everyone expects me to be ok by now. I had my first miscarriage almost 2 years ago and I still think about him everyday

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  11. Thank you so much for your bravery in sharing your story!! I too lost my Sweet Pea early and was destroyed. I took comfort in knowing that I was not the first to walk this path and therefore was never alone... You are amazing, sweet mama!
    www.journeyintorealmsunknown.blogspot.com

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  12. I miscarried today. I was 6 weeks pregnant. I feel a loss that I never expected. I have two beautiful children and I know how fortunate I am. I think of others that I know who have lost babies both before and after delivery. They had their babies in their lives for so much longer. It had to be so much harder for them. I still feel sad and broken. Reading this helped to not feel so alone in this.

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  13. I lost my baby a week ago. I was 7 weeks along. This makes my 5th miscarriage over the past 6 years. After switching OBs and losing 4 babies I was told that I have endometriosis and PCOS. I went through surgery and treatment in hopes of receiving our miracle. When I finally saw the 2 pink lines 2 weeks ago I was so excited that I couldn't contain myself. I wanted to tell everyone but knowing my history the joy was kept between me and my fiancé. Then a day later the cramps began. Trying to stay positive days later the bleeding followed. My OB confirmed with a blood test it was another loss. The joy was just ripped from me. I'm now being told I'm too old to carry another child and it has to be chromosome abnormality. At 37 to be told I'm too old makes me feel broken. I have 2 daughters from a previous relationship that I know I'm blessed to have. That still doesn't take the pain away that I'm experiencing. My heart was and still is set on having another baby. I can't even watch a diaper commercial without crying. I couldn't even hold my cousin's newborn because it was too hard. I pray that the good Lord blesses us with one more miracle. This can't be it for us!

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  14. I still cry over mine, also six weeks along. I'm glad I found other women who go through the same thing and it's not just "normal" to miscarry. It still leaves me empty

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  15. I'm so glad I found this post today. This morning I went for my fetal she ultrasound. Usually one of the most exciting times. When the tech could find something to measure other than the gestational sac, my heart sank. I measure only about 6 weeks and a day. There is still hope. She told me it can go either way. I start blood work tomorrow for my Hcg levels. Time will tell. That fear, that sinking feeling, even though I don't have a definite answer... Is there. Thank you for your story. Thank you for te 6 week loss is still a loss. I'm sorry you lost your angel. Why is this not more openly discussed. We can heal together. I'm sorry for rambling. It has been a very long day.

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  16. Last week I suffered a miscarriage, I was also 6 weeks. I've been struggling with emotions as sometimes I feel I shouldn't be so upset, the baby was hardly developed. But as soon as both my tests confirmed the pregnancy, I felt like a Mom. I would look at myself sideways in the mirror, just exploding from excitement. I couldn't wait for a few weeks go go by so we could announce it. But just under a week from when I found out, I felt something was wrong. I fell asleep crying, and woke up in a pool of blood. Going to the bathroom and seeing everything my body started creating, now in the toilet seemed unbearable. I had a Dr's appt that day to confirm pregnancy with my Dr. My Dr was away and saw one subbing in. She was cold and had no empathy as I was bawling my eyes out. The ladies who did my blood work were amazing and had so much compassion for me. On Monday I got a phone call, a receptionist from the Dr office called without looking at my file and simply stated "you're not pregnant." I didn't even know what to say, I hung up and started crying again. It has been such a hard thing to go through, but I find comfort (sadly) knowing others feel this way too, and it is okay. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  17. I know that you published this blog two years ago, but I wanted to thank you. My wife just had a miscarriage this week and it has been very hard for us. We were 6-8 weeks along and because of my new job I have had to live in a different state since last August. Even though I was not there when she found out I was really excited and I was even more excited to meet our little peep this next weekend before this turn of events. The hardest part is that I am not able to be with my beautiful wife during this process to help support her. Honestly, I had not really started grieving until I read this blog and all the comments (even though I have known others in the past who have had this experience). It hurts my heart that any woman and family could go through this, but please remember that you are not alone.

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  18. I was also at six weeks when on Mother's Day we lost our first baby. I am angry and kind of numb at the moment but really appreciate your post. Thank you.

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  19. Thank you for posting this. you explain exactly how I feel

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  20. I was 18 weeks when we lost our baby girl last week. 3rd attempt at Ivf. It's hard at any gestational age. And it hurts so much.
    My heart goes out to all the mums and dads who have lost.
    Thank you for sharing your story.

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  21. Thank you for posting this. I lost my little bean a few days ago at 6 weeks. I'm devastated beyond belief and I'm glad that somebody out there understands. Even my husband doesn't think it was a 'real baby' yet and thinks I'm overreacting :(

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  22. Thank you for posting this. I found out today, that while I should be 11 weeks and 5 days, my angel stopped growing at about 7 weeks and has no heart beat. I feel right now I'm more upset with my body for not knowing what it should be doing and tricking me, but I know this is just a bunch of denial. But I have a beautiful almost 2 year old daughter I need to chase, and now a beautiful angel waiting for me in heaven.

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  23. I just had a miscarriage last week, at 12 weeks. I, too, feel I shouldn't be as devastated as those who lost "real babies," carried them to term, and so forth. But we lost a baby just the same, and I'm drowning in sadness. I had an ultrasound and saw my little baby jumping around inside, its heart beating, and couldn't wait to feel those first movements. It was formed... just needed more time to grow and get strong. I planned a baby shower for my sister-in-law who was in town, and realized later that I was probably carrying a dead baby at that point. I can't believe this is happening, and nothing anyone can say will minimize the pain I feel.

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  24. I don't know if you'll see this, Katrina, but I had a similar experience and similar emotions. We went for our 8 week ultrasound with my first pregnancy this past June, and the baby only measured 5 weeks and a few days and had no heartbeat. I was so upset and confused, and told the tech, "but I still feel pregnant?" and continued to do so until about a week after the miscarriage was over. It is still really hard and I still have days when I cry (like today) about our baby who is gone. I keep thinking, "this is how far along I would've been right now" or see people who are due on our due date. It's such a devastating loss.

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  25. I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks and 4 days. I think the worst part about losing my baby is that everybody says "It's better this way" because I was so young when I lost the baby. The only time I ever got to hold my child was in my dreams, and yet, somehow, people think that it's okay, because I'm still young. How dare I mourn my baby? How dare I wish that I hadn't lost that precious life. How dare I wish that I could hold my child in my arms instead of just in my heart. I don't understand how people can act as if it's not a big deal because "Oh, but it was so early on. Is it even a miscarriage?" and "It's for the best, you know. You have your whole life ahead of you. A baby would only have gotten in the way of all of that."

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  26. Thank you for your incredible words. I too lost my angel at 6 weeks and while months have passed, I still think of her daily. It brings me comfort to know that there are other moms out there who understand what I went through and what I continue to live with day in and day out. My baby made a forever imprint on my heart and for that I will never be the same. My baby was due this Christmas and to honor the life that grew inside of me for however short a time, my husband and I will be purchasing a very special Christmas tree topper (an angel or star) to remember our bundle of joy we never got to meet.

    Again, thank you so much for your words.

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  27. That question, "Do you have kids?" always makes me pause. I want to say, "Yes! But she passed away." But I never can. Too awkward. Too complicated. Too much in a "getting to know you" conversation.

    I lost mine at 6 weeks. That same week, a bunch of stuff came up with my husband that made me realize we had serious issues and I would lose him, too. We did divorce.

    At 39, I was unlikely to divorce, remarry and have children in my 40's. So I lost my baby, my husband and my dream in one go. It's 6 years later and I still grieve the losses. I have moved on in many ways, but I won't ever forget my pumpkin seed. Thanks for creating a place we can acknowledge this shadow grief that no one really wants to hear and no one knows how to respond to.

    We can hold compassion in our hearts for ourselves, our babies and each other. Much love to all you moms out there...even if you don't have a baby in your arms, but just in your hearts. You're a mom! In fact, they say when we are pregnant that the baby shares DNA with the mom through the umbilical cord. So you may, literally, still have a part of that baby within you. <3

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  28. I lost my baby at 6 weeks too this past May! It is a gut wrenching heartache only us who have lost a baby no matter how far along we were, can understand. I tried for 3 years to get pregnant and to have zero control over losing my baby is a loss that will stay with me forever. I just put up my Christmas tree yesterday and I have an angel ornament in memory of my baby and a Santa ornament because my due date was Christmas Day.
    Thank you for your story it was touching and beautiful.

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  29. Thank you for this post...I lost my daughter at 14 weeks. She would be thirty this year. I STILL miss her! it seems that miscarriage is still treated the same today as it was then. Her name was to be Chelsea Joy because I was in my late 30s, and her brothers were already teenagers. Everyone told us she would bring our family so much JOY...and then she was gone. May God comfort you and bring you peace!

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  30. I just lost my baby @ 9 weeks, but the baby measured 6 weeks.It is a gut wrenching heartache only us who have lost a baby no matter how far along we were, can understand.

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  31. I'm sorry if this sounds insensitive... But I feel like anyone who says an early loss is just as significant as a late loss has never experienced a still birth. I've lost 2 children. One at 5 weeks and one at 34 weeks. To say the losses are the same is just completely not true. Everyone has the right to grieve their pregnancy loss, even women who learn they cannot have children deserve to grieve too. But don't justify your loss by lessening mine.

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  32. I'm sorry if this sounds insensitive... But I feel like anyone who says an early loss is just as significant as a late loss has never experienced a still birth. I've lost 2 children. One at 5 weeks and one at 34 weeks. To say the losses are the same is just completely not true. Everyone has the right to grieve their pregnancy loss, even women who learn they cannot have children deserve to grieve too. But don't justify your loss by lessening mine.

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  33. Thank you for sharing this. I've had three. Each one I was roughly 4-5 weeks. I never even had a doctors appointment. I've always felt guilty for believing that I lost a baby because I thought... you only had 2 pink lines... what if there was never even a baby? You never even seen anything. You never had a doctor confirm it. I never shared these loses with my family as, like you, I felt guilty for being somewhat of a "phony". But I've always had the pain and heartbreak of each loss. A heartbreak I never felt that I cold share. Thank you for sharing this. It helps me know that I DID lose a baby each time. I DO have 3 angel babies, and my loss is no less. My babies were just much smaller.

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    1. Thank you for this. I to have lost a baby at 4 weeks I only have two little lines and then a couple days later I had what I thought was my period but it was heavier and more painful than my other ones I knew then that I had indeed been preg and I had lost it. I still haven't grieved as I still wonder if it was real or if I was just seeing things. But I know I have a baby in heaven and I know one day I will see them again.

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  34. Thank you for sharing your story! Finally someone else gets it! I lost my baby at 7 weeks to an ectopic pregnancy after having gone through IVF. The thing that will haunt me forever is the fact we did hear a heartbeat and in that moment I felt like the luckiest person on earth and my dreams of having a family were finally coming true! In an instant, it was all taken from me! I literally was transported to surgery and lost my baby and my right fallopian tube! I believe regardless of how long you carry your baby, when a baby is lost you also lose your hopes and dreams of your life with that child as well. No loss is ever insignificant and everyone grieves differently and at a different pace but one thing that is consistent with all of us who have experienced such a loss, is that we will never be the same after having gone through this! May you all be blessed with happy, healthy babies in the future and find solace that you one day will get to meet your angel baby!

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  35. I recently miscarried my little one...I never was even able to find out how far along I was.. instead of finding out the due date, I used my appointment to see if my HCG levels had completely gone down or not...thank you for this. I'm sorry for your loss.<3

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  36. After four years of trying my husband and I were finally expecting. Although we found out after some abnormal bleeding and cramping. It was confirmed today that I had a miscarried. I'm devastated but I am trying to just take the "at least we know you can get pregnant"...everyone's just trying to help...reading this helped me to accept this loss for what it is. I am praying for everyone who knows this loss

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  37. I have gone through this 8 times and each time I have suffered silently, trying desperately to put on a happy face when all along I have been dying inside. It's only after keeping everything bottled up for so long and I have a complete breakdown that I even open up to my husband. He knows the pain and we talk about it after it first happens, but as the months pass and time "heals" the conversations become less. Although I am still dealing with the loss and the pain that comes with it, I do my best to put on a happy face, I dont want to upset him, or make him sad all over again. I don't want the pitty of my family and friends. I do everything in my power to remain strong all while falling apart on the inside. It's been 12 years and 8 losses, Including IUI, IVF and FET. �� Still hopeful for our rainbow baby.

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  38. I have just read this and felt like it was reading my own writing. 5 weeks ago today I had an ERPC a week after finding out my baby's heart had stopped beating. We had an IUI pregnancy and so was scanned early as part of it. Feel incredibly lucky to have seen and heard the heartbeat at 2 scans but sadly they never grew beyond 6wks 2days but i was 9wks when I had to go through with the ERPC - not a decision i found easy to make and still now feel so guilty for it.
    I miss my baby every day. I wept for weeks and still do. I too felt guilty about the way i felt the loss when others had had miscarriages further on in their pregnancies or stillbirths but i couldn't and can't shake the loss I've had. Others made me feel i shouldn't still be grieving, that it wasn't really a baby but it was! It's the closest I've been to becoming a mother and starting a family.
    I'm lucky to have scan pictures and i kept my positive tests that i look at daily. Possibly doing me more harm than good but they are a very welcome reminder it was real, it did happen, i did get pregnant and i did have that time with him or her especially when everyone seems to forget about it or moves on. Sending lots of love to all who have experienced a loss and know you're not alone. Just in 5wks I have discovered 17 people i know or know of that have been through it and that doesn't include the number of baby losses. Trying to stay strong and positive but it hurts.

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  39. I just came across this and this is what I was feeling not even 5 'minutes ago while bawling my eyes out and telling my husband how I felt like I was making it out to be more than it is. But after reading your words it TRULY hit me that I'm not over reacting. I had a D&c today at 11weeks. I became a mother to an angel... it feels like a part of me was ripped out. :( thank you for these words!

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  40. I would have been 3 months along with twins this Christmas after trying to get pregnant for 2 years. Twins have always been my secret dream. But we found out at 7 weeks that both were anembryonic or blighted ova. The doctor also was concerned that I had a molar pregnancy, something I had never even heard of. Because of this I had to have a d&c immediately, which ended up being on thanksgiving day. I'm not sure I will be able to feel thankful on that day ever again. We had planned on sharing our good news with our families at Christmas, but instead my husband and I found ourselves unable to face the holidays with family. I have 8 girl cousins and every single one has at least one baby under the age of 4 right now, two just announced they are pregnant again. I am the only female in the family without a child. We just couldn't handle seeing all those babies at Christmas, so we decided to skip the holidays this year. Unfortunately my grandfather passed away the day after Christmas and obviously we have to go to the services, which are tomorrow and Friday. At least all of the family will attribute my hysterical sobbing (which is imminent I am sure) as grief for my grandfather. Sometimes life just sucks. And it has been 5 weeks since my d&c and still no period. The bitter pessimist in me is sure it will appear over the next two days and send me over the edge. How do we survive these things AND chance it happening again and again. To every mother out there who has gone through this more than once, I don't know how you do it.

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  41. February 17,2017 will be 11 years since I found out my baby died. I was 6 1/2 weeks and found out I had an ectopic pregnancy. I was taken into surgery to remove my baby and my tube. My sweet OB sat with me in the operating room wiping my tears away until they put me to sleep. I was devastated that my baby was gone with out explanation but I also felt as if my loss wasn't as important as those who were further along, or stillborn, or died later. I fought with quilt and sometimes still do but my baby died and he/she was just as important as any other loss. I still miss my baby almost 11 years later and still have people think I should be over it but you never get over it, you just push on and live with a piece of you missing. Thank you for this because I thought I was alone in the feelings I had and it's comforting knowing I'm not alone. Prayers for all mothers and fathers who have experienced pregnancy loss or infant or child loss.

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  42. I lost my baby yesterday. My baby was also due on October 26 according to my LMP but according to the ultrasound just two days before somewhere between November 2 and 9. The ultrasound where I got to hear a heartbeat. The heartbeat I never got to share with anyone. The heartbeat I knew I was going to record the next time I heard it and now I have to regret not being able to. The heartbeat that made me fall in love so quickly and completely.
    I had two wonderful nurses who sat with me for the first however long it took me to stop crying. The doctor was not cold or uncaring but I could tell that he was saying what he did as a professional and not as someone who understood which is fine. I definitely understand having to distance yourself in order to emotionally survive in a profession like that.
    My friends have also been supportive, especially since the first news they heard was that I had lost my baby. I hadn't even had a chance to share that my baby existed. They have said sorry and to give myself time but I can tell that they still don't really understand or know how to talk to me.
    This all still feels like something that you hear about but doesn't happen to you; like I'm having an out of body experience or reading a really sad story. I keep going back and forth between wanting to embrace that thought process because it will make it easier and wanted to shout to everyone that my baby existed and that I loved him.
    I feel guilty because I have two kids at home who don't understand me being sad and I don't want to put this on them. It's not fair. And I should feel happy that I have them still but it doesn't make me want that baby back any less.
    These are the thoughts that keep going through my mind and this seems like a good place for them.

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  43. Thank you so much for sharing this. It really expresses how I feel. Thank you for helping to validate my feelings and that this was a real loss.

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  44. Thank you a million times for sharing this..I am currently going through the exact same thing..it is comforting to see someone out there going through the same thing and justifying my feelings.

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  45. I lost my baby on June 8th due to an ectopic pregnancy at 5 1/2 weeks. I had emergency surgery that removed my left tube and my baby. After 2 years of trying to get pregnant and 2 unsuccessful IUIs, we were so excited to have gotten pregnant the "natural" way. We knew about the pregnancy for only 1 week, but we visioned the rest of our lives in those 7 days. The pain is real and terrible no matter when the loss happens.

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  46. Thank you for sharing. I lost my baby at 13 weeks on Memorial Day. I knew that there was a higher risk, as I had had 2 threatened miscarriages earlier in the month.

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  47. Thank you for saying what I can't form in words. I just lost my six-week-old poppy seed recently. Really, thank you for this. I am so sorry though for your loss..

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  48. This story... I could almost swear it were mine to a "t" if the dates weren't all wrong. I'm also a paramedic. I lost my baby in 2016, I was 9 weeks along. Even have the friend with a stillborn, she lost her little boy at 32weeks gestation not even months after my miscarriage...
    She's very open about her angel, and I almost envy her, that she was able to hold her baby, and that he was real for the world, too, not just her. She had pictures, memorials, his footprints... I ache for her and her loss, I truly do, but I envy it so much that I feel so... Like I'm crazy for that.
    She and I both have other children, both of us with new babies this year, but it's not taken the pain away. That's something else, too. People expect you to move on quicker from miscarriage if you have other kids. "At least you have kids"... Yes I do, and I love them from my stepdaughter to my rotten red headed 2 month old laying in my chest currently & their 2 year old brother who keeps us so busy. But I still lost my baby, my youngest isn't a replacement.
    My poor husband tried to be understanding, tries to comfort. He grieved. The reality of it all hit him when I made him watch Heaven is Real. He grieved that night, but then i felt like he was done.

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  49. Thank you. Thank you for writing out everything I couldn't put into words. My husband and I just lost our first baby at 6 weeks gestation. We hadn't told very many people we were even pregnant, but the comments we receieved, even though I knew they meant well, were devastating. I felt ashamed for feeling sad and lost, but your words have been a comfort. So thank you, almoat 5 years later, you have saved me.

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  50. I just got home from delivering a 17 week old baby that had died a few days before. I am overcome with grief. I experienced a miscarriage at 7 weeks in 2010 and have since had 3 more children (4 now ) and already had 5 to start with, but no one ever validated my miscarriage in 2010 but chalked it up to an early pregnancy loss. I feel like I am working through that along with my 17 week old loss. No one is validating her, either, since she is still considered a miscarriage. My heart is breaking. My milk is starting to come in and I just want to hold my baby. How do people make it through this?? I just want my baby and for people to acknowledge that I had a baby. Her name is Serena Faith. And now I want to name my 1st miscarriage too. Thank you for writing this years ago...

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  51. Wow, reading this post is like reading my own confused thoughts and emotions transcribed for me. I just recently had a 6 week miscarriage, and the heart break is so real and crippling. I find so much comfort in your words, thank you for this beautiful post that continues to touch hearts 4 years later.

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  52. Thank you. I just lost my sweet pea at 6 weeks. And I too feel so empty but too guilty to mourn. So many others have had more of a struggle than me. It's such a struggle to want to share my story with the world, but most don't understand and do pass it off as just an early pregnancy loss, not the loss of a child. Thank you for writing the words that I feel.

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  53. Lost another angel too soon today. Much love to all my sisters who feel the loss. I have a beautiful daughter, age 20. I had her before I married the man of my dreams. In the last 10 years we have lost 3 babies before the end of the first trimester. Lucas, Melody, and today Nolan. This was our last try so mourning the loss of a family that will never be too.

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  54. Me and my husband have been trying for a baby for 3 years and last week found out we were pregnant. We were over the moon and planning things in put head. Today only a week later we have lost our baby. I was 6 and a half weeks. The scan showed my womb was empty. I am utterly heartbroken. I feel empty and lost.

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  55. I recently miscarried at 6 weeks as well, and this was exactly what I needed to read! I’m having those feelings of guilt and also the grief of seeing others lose babies that were further along than me. I am also growing tired of people telling me that it wasn’t even an actual baby yet—although I know it comes from a good place of wanting me to feel less grief about it. Not to mention the constant state of people asking me “When are you going to get pregnant?” And “are you pregnant yet?” where I feel sadness and anger and awkwardly have to pretend like I was never pregnant in the first place to avoid the conversation of miscarriage because I’m afraid to make the person uncomfortable. I wish I could be more open about my miscarriage—not for the sympathy...but so people would understand what I am going through and would not ask questions like that.

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  56. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I also experienced a pregnancy loss at 6 weeks. I've felt terrible and I cry in private to not make people uncomfortable since it's now been a month since I lost my baby. I didn't think I had the right to say I lost a baby, because it was just a little peanut. So I thank you. Your story has eased my pain tonight.

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  57. I am miscarrying right now as I type this. I would be 10 weeks and 4 days today. My baby stopped growing at 8 weeks and had no heart beat on the ultrasound. Tomorrow is my birthday...I'll be cramping and feel horrible as I do today. So I wrote this poem the night I found out. :
    Faith
    I wanted to be your mother so bad,
    Sing a song to the baby I didn't get to have
    Keep faith they say
    The pain will go away
    No rhyme or reason
    For a heart to stop beating
    A laughter I don't get to hear
    Yet it's ringing in my ears
    A sweet child my arms won't get to hold
    A smiling face I won't get to know
    Why this happens, God I'll never know
    I don't understand why it ended this way
    If it's God's plan, what am I to say
    To give me a child
    Just to take it away
    What is Faith
    Until we meet in another place
    I will love you and
    My heart will break
    S.M.

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    1. Beautiful poem and uttertly painful. I am so very, very sorry for your excruciating loss. I felt so alone when I was experiencing my miscarriage, please know you are not alone in this. My heart breaks for you and I hope the Lord brings you peace through it all. My thoughts are with you.

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  59. Dear friend, this article has pierced my heart and soul to the very core. I am so very sorry for your devastating loss. I too found out I was pregnant with my second baby at four weeks and I lost my sweet little one at six weeks. This coming week I should have been twelve weeks along. It's been very difficult with each week in knowing what I should be experiencing when I have already experienced one previous healthy pregnancy. With each coming week it's like being stabbed in the heart all over again. The worst part is a few weeks before I found out I was expecting my brother and sister in law announced they were expecting their second child. Now that's all fine and great except that she has said for the past two years and adamantly, that she did not want any more kids. And yet, they did nothing to prevent, clearly. Also, the weekend they announced to my parents, they were on a trip together and she decided to celebrate with a beer. I thought, how could she, how selfish. I've had a very difficult time accepting it and being happy for them. I don't even want to be around them, I don't want to talk to them, I dont even want to see them. I don't even think it's jealousy, but disrespect and bitterness for them taking it for granted so much. Especially since I've taken extra care to eat healthy, consume very little if any caffeine and I always, always take a prenatal vitamin. I don't know anyone who I'm very close to who has experienced a miscarriage. My family doesn't understand. My other brother and his wife had a scare as well but my nephew was born strong and healthy. My mother in law had a stillborn baby and I can relate to you how it feels like we're feeling sorry for ourselves or that it feels less significant because our babies didn't even have a little heartbeat yet. I haven't talked with her about it yet but I know she understands. Not a day goes by that I don't think about that sweet little baby. That sweet little baby that I prayed for immediately after seeing two positive strips. Every night, as I prayed over my little girl, I also prayed over my little growing pea and asked for a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby. Every night. And when I started bleeding, I still prayed. I know there's a reason God took my special little baby, my second baby. I don't know what that reason is but I hope to find out someday. In the meantime I pray every night for another little miracle. Certainly not to replace my second one but to remind me of how much joy there is in being pregnant, how incredibly amazing it is to create a life, how simple and yet complex it all is, how thankful I am to be a mother and how very much I love my babies. Both of them. And as the days go by and the dreadful month of March looms ahead, I wonder who this baby was going to be and if it was a boy or girl;Oh how I wish I knew. I wish I had an ultrasound photo of my second baby, something to hold on to.
    Dear friend, your little one will never be forgotten and I pray for any woman who reads this article for peace in a difficult situation, understanding and trust that the Lord has your beautiful baby in his arms where he or she will forever be held and loved and taken care of.
    Thank you Larissa for this article, one of many, that I've read and hoped for. It hits so close to my heart. God bless you.

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  60. Thank you so much for sharing this! I started a blog when I was having pregnancy issues, and I ended up losing my baby at 20 weeks pregnant. My due date is approaching on December 1st and I will continue to blog my story, its the best therapy. People tell me they are sorry to ask about my medical situation, but I love to talk about my baby. I too have had some very hurtful things said to be in the months after I lost my baby boy, but I really think that people have no idea what we are going through. They do not realize that some of their input is not even necessary.

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